Condoms
:Blog disclaimer: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED. I AM ONLY KIDDING SO EASE THE FUCK UP BEFORE YOU EVEN START
Also, to receive free condoms, check out FreeCondoms.com (yes, it exists), & tell them Dustin sent you...Now we can begin...
This evening brought about the usual fun an evening at the Pig brings. Whenever I think I want to leave, I realize just how much fun we have on a daily basis. I t has gotten to the point I want to carry a voice recorder around to catch our conversations. For example, this evening, a woman’s vagina was referred to as “one of those sewer crates pouring into the ocean packed full of seaweed.” Everyone involved in the conversation, including myself threw up in our mouths a little bit.
Tonight’s longest lasting topic centered on condoms. I think everyone has a condom story at some point in dating. I mean, what is more disgusting than a used condom? OK, a used condom that has earned its redwings… we have all been there. They are one of those things that everyone hates but everyone uses, I hope. I mean, the difference between sex with & without a rubber isn’t even comparable. Unless you know your woman is on birth control, amazingly enough women find it nearly impossible to take a single pill a day, you use condoms to avoid having a few jr’s.
Everyone has busted off a rubber or two. It sucks…a lot. You spend the next 2-3 weeks answering a lot of what ifs in your head. What if she is pregnant? I have had a lot of women tell me I would be a great dad. Thanks for the compliment but I have no intent to find out how I would fare anytime soon. Those weeks are spent wondering, how would you handle it? How could I make the shove down the stairs look like an accident? Will using her stomach as a boxing dummy help? How long are those coat hanger lock picking classes & is it possible to fish that kid out of there with one? I mean, these are valid questions…Hang on, hell just called. Good news, I have been upped to 1st class on the plane there.
So…my story centered around the purchase of condoms. I was going to visit a girlfriend at school & was told, “If you want to get laid, you MUST buy the condoms this week.” We were really safe, she was on the pill & for god sakes, I always pulled out. I mean, that’s effective…. In any event, I hate condoms, hate them. If sex without condoms is steak, sex with is that fat you can’t stomach to look at, much less eat. No matter how much begging I did this night, I was getting no loving without protection.
Where do you get condoms at 11 at night in
This day, there would be no selection, they had 1 pack left on the entire rack. Sweet, until I read the pack, “Magnum X-tra Large.” Fuck. This is every small penised man’s nightmare. I am dude that has 15 Monopoly sets in his closet, all missing the small thimble game piece because they were they only contraceptives that fit snuggly. Now I have to figure out on a 2 hour drive to UWM how to make this thing work. You are thinking, “Maybe she wouldn’t notice, we would most likely be hammered.” Thank God this woman had a sex sense or something. No matter how much liquor she had in her, she could think logically when it came to sex. This probably saved us 3 kids before she was on the pill. It’s not that I am irresponsible. It is just that no one is responsible with a case of Budweiser in them. This is the reason I look at all women like they are 4’11” & 300 pounds when I drink. I don’t have to wake up in the morning with a sick feeling & wondering what the fuck happened. (That & the last time I made I move on chick I apparently promised her an orgasm if we got on each other that night. I don’t remember this event, but rumor has it that the reason I didn’t have a chance to prove my bold statement was that she laughed herself to sleep. Smooth, real smooth!)
My brain really went into over drive on the way down to
The story now, I need to stay on track, I skipped way ahead. I bring the X-tra large Magnums to the counter. Dude is reading a magazine. He looks up, grabs the rubbers, & swipes the product. I am fucking 23 & buying rubbers can always be uncomfortable, especially when you are buying ginormous ones for a man obviously swinging a small stick. When I am uncomfortable, my defense mechanism is humor. I bust out with,
“Small selection today, you have safety pins to keep these on me? These are waaaayyyyyyyyyyy too big!”
Dude was not impressed whatsoever. He glanced up for a second & looked like he wanted to punch me in the face. OK, bad joke, followed by extremely uncomfortable silence. Fine. I handed him the ching, off to the races.
Moral: Use condoms, they suck but having kids sucks more. Ladies, no matter how much he begs, down his ass, trust me here. I thanked her later every time & he will to if he has any respect for you.
Born on the 8th day of the month, you have a special gift for business, as you can conceive and plan on a grand scale.You have good executive skills and you're a good judge of values.
You should try to own your own business, because you have such a strong desire to be in control.
You are generally reliable when it comes to handling money; you can be trusted in this regard.
Idealistic by nature, you are never too busy to spend some time on worthwhile causes, especially if managerial support are needed.
There is much potential for material success associated with this number.
