These Are the Days

So I think everyone knows I am a huge country music fan. With this in mind, I decided to finally finish my Top 20 must have country music downloads. I started this after I wrote my 1^st Blog, but just let it sit forever. Trying to make the list as diverse as possible, each artist is limited to one song on the countdown. (Tim McGraw would have probably been the entire list otherwise.) I think the one guy I left out was Keith Urban, just for the fact he doesn’t have that one single that really stands out, download his live version of You’ll Think of Me if you want a song of his. All these songs are just solid. Without further delay, here is the list, in alphabetical order, with explanations for each song.

1) Alan Jackson – Chatahoochee

Alan Jackson has so many good songs but Chatahoochee just stands out. It is about a kid growing up on a river & all the fun he has. The song is just carefree country fun.

2) Brooks & Dunn – Boot Scootin’ Boogie

You have been living in a cave if you haven’t heard the Boot Scootin’ Boogy. This is another country party classic.

3) Dolly Parton – Coat of Many Colors

Dolly is best known for her cans but believe it or not, she can sing. Coat of Many Colors is about being unique & being proud of who you are.

4) Garth Brooks – The Dance

Garth Brooks is Garth Brooks. Some country stations have all Garth weekends & they play all of his hits continuously. I think this song stands out for me personally because it is extremely inspirational. It talks about going through a painful situation but not regretting it because the experience out weighed the pain.

5) George Straight – Check Yes or No

I have just always liked this song a lot. It’s about a guy reminiscing back to the time he met his wife when they were kids. If only love were as simple as Check Yes or No.

6) John Michael Montgomery - Sold (The Grundy County Auction Incident)

This is all fun. It is about a guy meeting a chick at an auction & just rocks.

7) Joe Diffie - Pick Up Man

Although I have a car, I think everyone knows I am a Chevy Truck guy at heart. Pick Up Man just speaks of the advantages of having a pick up, “I never have to wait in line at the popcorn stand/ cause there's somethin' women like about a pickup man.”

8) John Denver - Thank God I’m A Country Boy (Covered by Billy Dean)

This is all about enjoying the country. John Denver’s version is good, Billy Dean’s cover adds a rock flair to it.

9) Johnny Cash – Ring Of Fire

It was hard choosing just one Johnny Cash song. You have been living under a rock if you haven’t heard ROF. This is an absolute classic by the greatest country star of them all. “The Taste of Love Is Sweet / When Hearts Like Ours Meet / I Fell For You Like A Child/ Oh, But The fire Went Wild.” He may have fallen in love but the song ends with the perils of love, “& it burns, burns, burns/The ring of Fire/ The ring of fire.”

10) Johny Horton – Battle of New Orleans

Most country fans haven’t heard of Johny Horton. He sang in the 50’s & 60’s & died in a plane wreck if I remember right. Most of his songs are the story teller types that get to the roots of country music. Although North To Alaska is probably his biggest hit, Battle of New Orleans is my Favorite. It is about the War of 1812 the US had with Britain.

11) Kenny Chesney – Don't Happen Twice

I went from hating Chesney to seeing him once & loving his music. What I respect the most about him is that he writes most of his own material. Don’t Happen Twice is about falling in love for the 1st time & how nothing compares to it.

12) Kenny Rogers – The Gambler

“You've got to know/ When to hold 'em,/ Know when to fold 'em/ Know when to walk away,/ Know when to run”. I think everyone has heard this song. When I was a kid, my parents brought me to see Kenny Rogers & I still remember sitting in the stands at the fair singing along.

13) Lee Greenwood – God Bless The USA

This song still gives me chills whenever I hear it. It made a huge comeback after 9/11 but never went away in my house.

14) Lonestar – Not A Day Goes By

This is a heartfelt song about break ups. If you have ever broken up with someone, this will bring back some emotions.

15) Lynyrd Skynyrd – Sweet Home Alabama

Skynyrd really isn’t country but every country cover band does this song. I think it is required or something. In any event, it is just a kick ass song.

16) Rascal Flatts – These Days

This & Tim McGraw’s Angry All the Time are what got me back into country music. This is a song that is on just about every country mix CD I make. It’s a break up song about a guy who runs into the woman he still loves.

17) Reba McEntire – Fancy

This was a controversial song back in the day. It is about a mother sending her daughter out into prostitution to escape poverty.

18) Tim McGraw – Just To See You Smile

I didn’t hear this song until right around the time Red Ragtop came out. It was one I would never forget. Had I ranked this song it would have been #’s 1-5. At 1st listen I thought it was a love song but it is about dealing with a break up. “Yesterday I knew just what you wanted/ when you came walkin' up to me with him/ So I told you that I was happy for you/ & given the chance I'd lie again/ Just to see you smile.”

19) Toby Keith – Should’ve Been A Cowboy

It was a toss up between this & Beer for My Horses but I went for the classic. It is just about living life up so you don’t regret taking a shitty path in life.

20) Trisha Yearwood – She’s In Love With The Boy

I don’t remember when I 1st heard this song but it was always on the radio when I was in my dad’s truck. It is about a girl’s dad disapproving of her boyfriend only to realize he was the same way 20 years earlier.

Like I said before, you can’t go wrong with any of these. I just finished this between studying & I have 2 others I think I am going to finish. One is exclusively Tim McGraw & the other is an interesting one on dating. Until then….

Posted by D. Schwa at 7:03 PM | Permalink | Comments

People have told me they are surprised by my serious Blogs, but they are the best ones. This is one of those. I mentioned in one of my YIR Blogs that a friend of mine died last year. Although we hadn’t spoken in a while, it hit me really hard. It was the 2^nd time someone close to me died within a 3 year window. The 1^st time, drunk driving was involved & I dealt with it by just being pissed. Looking back that is what started my depression, just not being able to deal with that. Everything just kind of built on that. Clarence’s death was what pushed everything to the forefront.

I first met him way back in rec league soccer. He was on my team in 2^nd or 3^rd grade & I didn’t like the kid at all. He was a cocky, arrogant, & popular athlete. We later started working together @ the DP Pig. I never really talked to him for 2 or 3 years. Back then I was really quiet, kept myself, & was really nice. I was that shy, nice guy everybody crapped on. My senior year, in the fall, I just happened to started talking to Clarence. He had mentioned he played Madden football. At that point, that was my favorite thing to do. We talked for the rest of the shift & he was the 1^st person I met that carried the same passion I did for the game. He invited me over after work to play a game. I took him up & we played a few games & an instant friendship was born. This was the classic nerd & popular guy friendship. He got chicks, I didn’t. He played sports (Varsity running back & kicker, varsity soccer) & I didn’t. We were outwardly the oddest of friends. He was the smartest guy I had ever met, impressed the shit out of me. A professor last semester said I think differently than most people. The way I analyze & process info & develop my opinions is unique. Clarence was the same way. He looked at things the way I did. I can’t tell you how many times we stayed out until 4 or 5 in the morning at the truck stop talking everything from politics to women to philosophy. We just picked each others brains dry. This guy was my brother born to a different mother & I respected his opinion immensely.

Over time, he really started to press me on why I let people push me around. Why was I content sitting in the background all the time? Why didn’t I stand up for myself? I started to wonder myself. In our talks, he would explain to me how he analyzed people. How he sized them up, looked for weaknesses & strengths. How he didn’t give a shit what people thought of him. He treated those he cared about with the utmost respect. Everyone else it was on a minute to minute basis, what have you done for me lately mentality. He always carried his head high & was cocky to a flaw. This rubbed off on me. Soon the nerdy kid in the corner who walked around with his head down was walking with his head high & popping off to whoever gave an awkward look. I was always sarcastic, now people knew it. My quick smile was replaced with a straight expression in front of everyone but my closest friends. Cole described it to me as an overnight change. None of my friends were very fond of Clarence but for the 1^st time I felt like I shouldn’t be ashamed of who I was.

We chilled all the time. He was the friend that is like part of the family. My parents invited him to out family get-togethers & I went to his. I actually started going to parties & meeting people outside of my circle of friends. Not only did I meet new people but I fit in. He gave me a chance no one outside my crew had given me & I ran with it. During this time I met more people & became friends with more people than I had my previous 18 years on Earth.

He was the man when it came done to dating. He taught me the most valuable lesson I have ever learned. Honesty. Just sell who you are, that’s how easy dating is. He was big on presentation. How you portray yourself to others. The things he always pushed to me was to be 100% straight about who you are & what you stand for & to never compromise who you are. I think that explains some things about me. I always think back to those conversations whenever I consider compromising my integrity.

One of my favorite memories of our friendship was when we went on a trip to Cleveland together. We went to C-town to see a Tour Stop for the Jim Rome Show. That was an awesome trip. We ran into Ken Griffey Jr. out on the street the 1^st night. It was my 1^st time in a big city without my parents & we just rocked it. Seeing Jim Rome in person was kick ass. It had been one of my goals in my 5 year plan. I got pulled over speeding for the 1^st time. 85 in a 55 & in Gary, IN & the cop let me off. (It took him 13 hours to get there, me 9.5 to get back in pouring rain. A driving legend was born. Also, why, whenever I go on trips, does Mother Nature shit on me?) That trip will always be something I smile about.

The best Clarence story I have is one I have told a select few. So he would always come over to my house & wake me up. I would always tell him to just fucking call me, but he had to come over & roll my ass out of bed. One morning I woke up to my house door being slammed. I just laid there thinking it was just my bro. All of a sudden my cell phone rings & it is Rog. He is laughing uncontrollably & I am like WTF? He explained that he came up to my room like usual, except this time my Schwartz was hanging out of my boxers at full attention. I don’t have to explain this, but it is uncomfortable for even the best of friends. He said he would have tucked it back in & woke me up but didn’t want to wake me up in the process. Anyone see why I don’t like people showing up unannounced?

Soon after that, he started dating a chick I had been going after. Pissed me off but that isn’t why we stopped being friends. He had started getting into drugs. If you know me, you know I am scared to death of drugs. I guess it’s a good thing to be scared of. At this point in my life, I had even given up drinking. We just lost touch & life carried us our own ways.

Maybe a weird coincidence, but I had a long talk about him with Becky about how I wanted to be friends with him again. I would find out a week or so later he was reported missing. Soon after, I was even interviewed regarding his disappearance. I would find out he had gotten married (to the above mentioned woman.)& had by all appearances started a great life. April 9^th they found him floating in the East River. He had been high on marijuana & mushrooms & had freaked out. Somehow he ended on the ice & broke through.

I can’t tell you how I felt when I heard the news. The private investigator that had interviewed me was one of my neighbors & he drove all the way from his home in DePere to tell me at work. It was what everyone had feared but didn’t want to believe. I went to his funeral the next week. It was such a surreal experience for me. They had bulletin board after bulletin board of pics of this handsome, 23 year old with his entire life in front of him. (I spent 15 minutes looking for the casket until a jar in front of me was his cremated remains. I couldn’t help but laugh.) His funeral was one of the most touching events I have ever been in attendance of. His uncle CJ had an impromptu speech, while doing readings, about carpe diem & just living life to its fullest. I couldn’t talk to anyone, even those closest to me about it. That speech rings in my head until this day. It took a couple months for everything to sink in but it became a major reason I was finally able to beat depression.

Clarence was one of those people, who once you got to know, you couldn’t help but love. There isn’t a day I don’t wish I could have told him how much he meant to me & my life before he died. Life is full of people that come & go. He was one that will stay in my heart for a life time. Clarence loved his family more than anyone. He was the most honest & straight forward person you could ever meet. If you were lucky enough to befriend him, there wasn’t a thing he would do to help you out. I really miss him.

Here is the article link with a picture of him.

Posted by D. Schwa at 11:44 PM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by D. Schwa at 10:45 PM | Permalink | Comments

On Saturday my little bro moves down to Florida for an internship working at Disney World. Last night I was laying I bed thinking about what a perfect childhood we shared & decided to write about it.

I was born in July 1981, Doug was born in July 1982. From that beginning we were inseparable until we started school. It was a time before school, work, & girls made life so stressful. To nobody’s surprise, I was the talker out of the two. My bro actually didn’t begin to speak until he was 4 or 5 because I always did the talking. He needed Cheerios, he let me know & I hooked him up. It worked like that for everything. I may have been the talker but he was more of the trouble maker. His nick name was fingers because he swiped everything. To this day, had he not been born, I would have been in trouble once. My angelic little mind could never come up with a bad thought. On top of being the speaker in the pair, I came up with the big ideas. My little bro was the one that made them happen. For example, I would be like, “that’s a huge jump. We should jump that beast with our bikes.” My bro would do it & get hurt. Just about every pic of us from this time features him with some badass scab, me without a scratch.

My earliest memories are of us building stuff in our sandbox. We were such big fans of it that our dad built us one in the basement just so we could push sand even in winter. To my knowledge, no one has ever had such a luxury other than us. Our parents bought us literally every Tonka truck on the face of the earth. The dump truck & crane were literally worn down to nothing but rusty metal. We built absolutely everything you could imagine.

Our dad was a big racing fan so his sons pretty much didn’t have a choice in the matter. I have so many memories of our family sitting in front of the TV watching Dale Earnhardt dominate. He was always our absolute favorite driver. We also watched open wheel cars also & couldn’t wait until dad deemed us old enough to go to Indianapolis with him. These experiences were fun, but with every summer came our absolute favorite thing, the demolition derbies at the county fair. I seriously would wait the whole year just for that day. There is just something so sweet about taking perfectly good cars & destroying them. One year in particular stands out. That was the years the Army used tanks to tow cars off the track. The special highlight was when they lined up 5 of them & drove over them with the tank. For a kid, this was an absolutely awesome experience.

Everyday the Schwartz boys religiously watched Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood & Sesame Street. I still remember my favorite episode of Mr. Roger’s. He built this sweet fort out of these wooden crates. It was awesome. As for Sesame Street, Oscar was my favorite character. There is something so fresh about a dude living in a garbage can. I think we were Sesame Street characters for 5 straight Halloweens.

As mentioned before, we spoiled our neighborhood with trouble. We went through big wheels like other kids our age went through diapers. My favorite model was the CHIPS version. It was the envy of the neighborhood. We also had not one, but two wagons & tore those babies up. My dad pulled those things into the shop on a weekly basis to fix them. I remember going around the hood with our plastic tool kits looking for spare wood to start our construction business. We were ambitious even then.

My family always went out for bike rides. We had this thing called a buger that was towed behind my dad’s bike. Our favorite experiences were when dad hauled us down to a construction site to see stuff build or a road being paved. We were awe struck by the heavy machinery. (They even captured us once in the DePere journal, stars were born.)

I remember going across the bridge over to my Grandma & Grandpa Schwartz’s to get ice cream. They lived in West DePere over by all the action. We used to always go & swing over at a park across from the SNC. There were also train tracks just down the block & we loved to watch the trains go by. This lead to Santa bringing us a train set for Christmas. My dad slowly added on to the thing until it expanded to 2 sheets of plywood. We had the sweetest set. I think my dad loved it more than we did because he went & bought more stuff for it than we ever asked for.

I will always look at these times as the best in my life, a time so simple & so carefree. As my brother & I have grown up & become our own men, these memories will always bring us back to a time when being just like your brother was all you could ever ask for.

I have been working on a Blog about my buddy Clarence for a couple weeks now, hopefully that will be the next one I finish... Until then...

Posted by D. Schwa at 10:39 AM | Permalink | Comments

So I am watching the Newlyweds Marathon on MTV today & I was reminded of my Jessica Simpson story. Last year’s Indy 500 featured Jessica for the national anthem or something. In any event, it rained just about all day, leaving us to sleep under our makeshift tent on the inside of turn 2 all day. Things finally dried out, allowing activities to begin. Suddenly a string of Corvette’s stops on the track in front of us & people get out & start walking around. Chris starts telling J & I that Jessica just jumped into the port-o-pottie. Of course I tell him to shut the hell up. If anyone has seen the show, there is no way that chick is taking a dump in a plastic shit tub. Well we wait & wait & to my surprise, none other than Jessica Simpson comes strolling out of the can. I was shocked. People in front of us started screaming her name & she responded, erasing any doubt I had. We were within 100 yards of Jessica Simpson taking a crap. (For the record, I still believe that hot chicks such as her do not take shits, I prefer to think she was freshening up.) So to all you that make fun of me for being a race fan, the chicks dig it.

Posted by D. Schwa at 8:07 AM | Permalink | Comments

I think everyone knows how big of a war movie fan I am. I am not really sure when I started becoming interested, but once I saw Saving Private Ryan, WWII flicks were officially on the top of the list. What is somewhat amusing is that there was ever a question as to what should be my career choice. Between the history channel, books, & other war movies, I have learned as much as possible on the topic as I could absorb. Band of Brothers was always something I heard was a good mini-series, but the price ($120 at one point) kept me away. Last year, someone was kind enough to borrow it to me. I think I watched it in 2 or 3 days. It had me hooked. Then last Christmas comes & BoB is under the tree with my name under it. Merry Christmas. I highly recommend, when watching any war movie, to turn on subtitles for your 2nd go around. Whenever I do, the amount of additional info I pick up is incredible.

The format of BoB(10-1 hour episodes) is far different than other war films. The time allows for unusual character depth & overall development. Each episode is directed by a different man making each one feel very different. The stories combine to uniquely tell the tale Easy Company on their march through Europe in WWII. The fictional soldier they are searching for in SPR is actually a member of the 506 Airborne, the group followed throughout BoB.

One thing that stands out is the complete lack of big name actors. David Schwimmer, Ron Livingston, & yes, Jimmy Fallon, are the only exceptions. I think this helps sell the characters & separates it from Saving Private Ryan. SPR has top name actors (Tom Hanks, Tom Sizemore, Matt Damon, Giovanni Ribisi, Barry Pepper, & Ted Danson) & relies upon them to help sell the story. The casting of BoB is incredible when you compare the actors to the actual men of Easy Company. Their portrayals of each man go beyond just playing a good part. They bring out the soul of each man. I think this also shows just how good the script was for this movie, allowing the actors to just concentrate on telling the story & not selling it.

The 1st time I watched the series, parts confused me but the story still made sense & flowed well. Each episode builds upon the previous, yet would be able to stand alone. There are so many highlights but to the person looking to just get started, pop in the 1st episode & I guarantee you will be hooked. Although you will understand the basics your 1st time through, every successive time you watch you pick up on something new. This is also why I enjoy watching the episodes with friends. Without fail, someone points out something new every time I watch. BoB is a box set of Friends, (able to be watched over & over again) without the agony for men.

Battle scenes in this movie really stand out over all other movies I have seen. BoB still features the reality that SPR displays, but feels more in depth because you get to know the characters so well. It isn’t Ron Livingston (The guy from Office Space) in danger, it is Nix in danger. Everything from the field battle, to door to door combat, & even the siege in Bastogne comes alive. You don’t watch the scenes but feel as if you were in the fox hole next to them.

The plot has both simple and complex parts. It tells the overall story of WWII, but also takes the time explore different characters in greater depth. Because the episodes were written and directed individually, they all have a unique feel to them. This breaks up the BoB & helps keep you refreshed through the entire series. The series goes as far to devote an entire episode to their training & another to what happened after the war was over in Europe. These serves a dual role of expanding your understanding of exactly what they went through & the bonding process as well provides an engine & caboose to the series.

After watching the series, the DVD set also includes the documentary We Stand Alone Together, which is an expansion of the interviews of the soldiers at the beginning of each episode. To truly appreciate it, you have to have seen BoB, but could be played by itself. The documentary actually features one of the most touching moments in the entire set as it shows Bill Guarnerre standing in the woods facing Foye where he had his leg blown off. It nearly moves you to tears.

It is well known I get emotional during movies. When Patrick Swayze jumps inside of Whoopi Goldberg & kisses Demi Moore, I cry my eyes out. Same for when they carry Rudy off the field. At the end of SVP, Private Ryan’s, “Tell me I’ve led a good life. Tell me I’m a good man,” gets me every time. Band of Brothers is full of these moments. Why We Fight is easily the most gripping moment but several others get you. Major Winters states, “If I make it through this day. I will find a quiet piece of earth & live the rest of my life in peace,” after the Day of Days. Captain Spiers running through enemy lines with Krauts surrounding him is just incredible. I don’t to give the wrong impression. The entire series grips every human emotion. BoB ranges all the way from the sad to laughter. You are ultimately left with unending pride for your grandparent’s generation. Unlike SPR, it is a 100% true story.

BoB is one of those movies that everyone should see. I put it above even Schindler’s list & the above mentioned Saving Private Ryan. When I am teaching, I will never teach an American history class that doesn’t see at least a few episodes. I could write for years on this show but just trust me, check it out.

Posted by D. Schwa at 10:49 PM | Permalink | Comments

I was going to write a Blog specifically about J’s Cabin tonight & I came across an essay he wrote for class at the Center. The 1st time I read it I literally laughed out loud the whole essay. As you read, you can just picture him telling the story. What I love the most is how everyone’s version of events are completely different due to our slightly inhibited memories. Other than a few format changes, this is J’s paper in its entirety & if I remember correctly, he did score an A on the paper. So without further a due, here is J’s essay entitled Last Summer Sunset.

All the excitement is finally unraveling from the previous summer’s fun. Down to this last party before the best summer we had ever had ends and everyone has to return to the old boring consistent schedule of school, work, homework, and the eagerness waiting for the weekend to come. All we could do is ponder about the best moments over the summer and wish that the summer would never end. That would allow us to never grow up and stay Toys R Us kids for life, but as this summer comes to an end it just brings the three of us best friends a year closer to the reality of us actually having to grow up and get a job.

At that moment all that was running through my mind was the party at my cabin, which was basically the highlight of our great summer. The fun and friendships that were created up north bonded us even more tightly than we ever were before.

The trip up to my cabin started with the idea of trying to recreate or even top the previous summer’s trip to my cabin. Dustin didn’t think it was possible to top the year before, but I also agreed with Dustin that it would be tough to top last year. Chris didn’t get to experience going up north the year before because he went to a class reunion party instead.

Well our adventure started on July 12th and continued through the 16th of July. These four days proved to be the starting point of one of the greatest summers we had ever had.

The party had started once we reached the gate at which we entered on that led us to my cabin. Almost immediately after we got out of our cars and before we could unload anything the three of us and many other close friends had already started drinking. By the time everyone was situated and before the rest had shown up, we were already half poisoned with toxicants.

Suddenly, Dustin and I had a great idea of building a fire. So we set out to explore the 120 acres of woods my parents owned with the company of Miah and Cole drinking and driving the SUV, looking for dead trees to drag out of the woods to burn (Remind you this is all on privet property and no one drove onto an actual public road endangering anyone except the people inside the SUV. It was just a road through the woods created by my dad’s father.) After dragging semi loads of trees out of the woods, we finally had the enormous fire built. Not one of the full-grown trees had been cut in half. Rather we just laid them all on a pile inside the fire pit and doused them with gasoline. While I am dousing the fire with gasoline Dustin threw a match into the fire pit almost instantly the fire blew up like a miniature atomic bomb and nearly lighting my hair on fire. After that moment we were new born pyromaniacs for the rest of the week. Grabbing anything that had the name gasoline or aerosol on it and throwing it in the fire to watch it explode like carpet bombs dropped from a United States warplane.

Meanwhile we are all getting plastered to the point of passing out in random places in the sandy lawn from the final solution and Yager bombs. (The final solution is a two story beer bong built specifically for going up to my cabin.) After we all did countless numbers of Yager bombs and beer bongs, eventually we all passed out like lawn ordainments and slept better than ever before.

Waking up the next day at three in the afternoon with mosquito bumps the size of Mt. Everest all over our body and badly sun burnt, Dustin, Cole, Derek and I decide to make a liquor run because we drank the bottles dry the night before. Dustin drove like a maniac at 125 mile per hour over hills like the bumps on a camel’s back trying to get the feeling of weightlessness and got us to the little town called Cecil in magically ten minutes. We were all stocked up, ready to party and back at the cabin within twenty-five minutes! This route usually takes twenty minutes there and twenty minutes back. While we were gone Chris, Miah, and Elaina made up a drinking game and participated in it. This game was called drink to a certain word said in the movie they were watching. Basically, every time someone in the movie said that word they had to drink. Miah and Chris decided to play that game with the movie Lord of the Rings and drink every time they say Frodo. By the time we arrived back from Cecil they were pretty much drunk and dancing to the music being played, until Chris fell off the table and laid on the floor laughing so hard he started crying for no real reason at all. It was almost like showing up at a zoo watching the laughing hyenas laugh, but no one knows what they are laughing at and meanwhile, watching a monkey dance in a tree taunting the hyena.

This experience up at my cabin was just the start to a closer bonding in our friendships over the summer and the start to many more fun times to come. Everyone seemed to become better friends after this week up north. If it wasn’t for Dustin and I breaking up with our girlfriends we wouldn’t have even hung out as much as we did this summer. Initially, Dustin thought this summer was going to be the worst summer of all time because he isn’t used to being single, but Chris and I decided to show him how it was done. Meaning we had to show him that this could be the best summer of his life. If anyone asks him now if this was the worst summer of his life; he will say, that this was the best summer he ever had. We gained really close friends and had so much fun. Also, I don’t need a girlfriend anymore to have fun. To be honest I don’t want a girlfriend right now because I am having the most fun I had ever had in my life!

Many things over the course of this summer had happened in which allowed us to have all this fun and grow close as a group of friends, but the one thing that still lingers in the back of our minds is: How long will this last? How long will we be able to continue to party and have fun with out any worries and live life on the edge of our seats and by the moment? As the sunsets over the horizon for the last time this summer, it just brings us one more day closer to the reality of us actually having to grow up and get a real job. That won’t stop us from having our share of fun first.

Posted by D. Schwa at 3:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

Intro

Finally, the last installment of the YIR. It has been fun looking back to everything that happened, the good & the not so good. This Blogg will cover everything from the last few days of summer through the New Year & Chris’ B-Day, what a night.

August

We ended the summer with a huge party @ J’s house. It kind of was our summer embodied in one night. There was a lot of drinking, even more craziness & a ton of fun. I don’t remember much about how the evening started but I do remember a few things that occurred. My 1^st memory is J doing a back flip into his pool with the cover on. I am sitting on the patio smoking a cigar & the next thing I hear is a splash. For a second about 5 of us thought he was going to drown in his own pool. This would have been tough to explain. Another highlight to the evening was our trek to The Pig to convince Cole to role out to the party. We were unsuccessful in convincing Cole but we successful in explaining why drinking at work isn’t allowed. Miah somehow climbed up on the soda machines, very funny. A few also scaled the brat shack, also very funny. My personal favorite was the collective unit watering the lot, very classy. What’s next is foggy to me. I can’t remember whether this happened this night or a couple weeks earlier, but it is disturbing none the less. Everyone decided to take a swim in the Boogaard pool at 2 in the morning. This is relatively funny for the fact that J’s neighbor is a member of the KPD. That isn’t that bad until the point where swimming suits starting coming off. Our little party became a sausage fest. I scrambled for the house. Guys, for reference, the gay jokes were just jokes, not interested.

Over the summer I went from looking like a skeleton to weighing more than I ever have. All summer I ran & lifted weights after work. Normally I think you are supposed to lose weight but for some reason I put it on. J once told me that lifting weights & working out is supposed to be good for your self confidence. I would recommend it. It isn’t all that hard & if you keep a log of what you are able to do, you notice the results pretty quickly.

September

During this time, 3 of my favorite country stars released albums within a one month period. Tim McGraw released Live Like You Were Dying 8/24, Keith Urban released Be Here 9/21, & Rascal Flatts released Feels Like Today on 9/28. I got to see all 3 perform this year & was pretty excited to hear their new albums. None disappointed. What I love about country is the ability to relate it to everyday life. Country tells you about everyday things & I love looking at the lyrics. If you want a burn, just ask.

I guess a couple days after that party school resumed. It would be extremely safe to say going back was on of the best decisions of my life. There was always the intention to go back but I was extremely scared to. The excitement before my 1^st day of class almost killed me. When I was working fulltime I always had this really restless feeling, like I should being doing something. Learning was it. It sounds stupid but I absolutely love learning. I did go to the tech & gained some valuable education there, but sales is something I am just good at. There is a switch in my head that just needs to be flipped on & the game is on. At SNC I learn things that are completely foreign to me. After just one semester I have such a different understanding of our world & myself. I really can’t believe I was so scared to go back. The course work is frankly easy. My school is pretty intensive when it comes to writing papers but, as this little Blog shows, I love to write.

What I like the most about being back at a 4 year school is that I finally feel as though I am realizing my potential. When I was fulltime, I literally spent 10-12 hours a day sleeping. Now I sleep about 5-6 & have twice as much energy. Working with children & history & two things I genuinely enjoy & I get to do both at college. In addition to the course work, I got involved with Big Brothers, Big Sisters through school. My kid’s name is Jason. He looks like a mini-Jaren. As a punch line, he actually goes to Helen Keller Elementary School. I get to spend an hour & a half a week being a kid at the Boys & Girls Club. Next semester I want to get involved in a couple after school programs.

Well, I guess the next big change was my employment. With about a week left in L-Chute I still didn’t have a job for the next semester & didn’t really care. I was content to take a semester off of work & concentrate on school. By chance I was up at the service desk & Michael called. He mentioned that it would be awesome if I returned to Kaukauna. I wasn’t sure of I wanted to, but decided to take his offer up a few days later. I am happy with that decision. I had forgotten how much I liked working at that store & with the people. I love working retail, not enough to make a career of it though. Work isn’t so bad when you have 3 kick ass managers & your coworkers are some of your best friends. Although I have no idea how much longer I will work there, the opportunity that Michael gave me is something that I value greatly. I was surprised at how little effort is needed to succeed in college. I added more & more hours all semester just to fill my free time during the day. I don’t know how regular students stand it. Next semester I am going to add some extra curriculars on top of the few I am already in to keep my ass out of work.

October

On October 23, 2004 the boys rolled down to The Rave in Milwaukee (A trip I know way to well) to see dredg & the Deftones. I finally understood why everyone liked dredg so much. Their lead singer’s voice was shot & they lasted only 6 songs but the show was awesome. I am now hooked on dredg. Possibly the best song I have heard in forever is Yatahaze. (I do realize it is 5 years old, I am late on the train.) It is about the struggle we battle everyday of the world pulling us down while we are constantly trying to climb up. In the end is describes how in the end most just shut down & become indifferent to the world. I find a lot of inspiration not to settle for mediocrity & to continually strive for more.

Chris & I ended the month of October with a bang going to Mad-town for the weekend. Chris came up with the freshest costume in a while with him playing Wayne & me playing Garth. It was a hell of a good night. We were straight up celebrities for a night as we posed for so many pics & got just as many hugs. To be honest, I thought the costumes were just an excuse for the ladies to touch us. J

November

I was excited to see Rascal Flatts on November 11 at Resch Center. Very much a chick group but I love their music. I don’t care how many times I hear These Days, it will always be one of my favorite songs. They also covered most of their new CD, I am particularly a fan of the song on it called Then I Did.

Thanksgiving came & it was the 1^st in a while I didn’t have another family’s celebration to be at. I decided I would find a get together to crash. Chris & I decided upon Jaren hunting party. That was a good ass time. We went up Thursday through Sunday &, as usual, we had a great time at his cabin. I remember those days as one & we just tore it up with his uncles. 2 kids were up there & J & Chris decided to educate them in being men. Chris taught them the 3 rules of Fight Club. (1.) Don’t talk about fight Club. 2.) Dido 3.) Don’t trust girls.) Jaren taught them German military etiquette. They kids even played circle of death with us. (We changed the name to circle of life.) Don’t think we are all evil, we changed the rules to incorporate them into the game & they drank OJ. At the bars I sucked it up at pool but ripped Chris in a riveting game 5 of checkers. The highlight of the weekend had to be getting to shoot J’s bad ass gun. I even cranked the target on 2/3 shots & I don’t play those kind of video games.

December

Finals came for school & I whipped their ass pretty good. I aced 4 out of 4 finals & easily beat my GPA goal. I think next semester if I put in that same effort all semester I will pull a 4.0. School isn’t always about who is the smartest, it is about figuring pout the system (i.e. How questions are asked & what one’s will be asked.) & adjusting to it. School, for the most part, is telling your professors what they want to hear. That’s the best advice I could give anyone to excelling. I would also strongly advise building relationships with your professors. I made they point to introduce myself & keep communication with them throughout the semester. It paid off.

Christmas snuck up really quick. I t was here before I knew it. I got to roll over to the Boogaard family get together on Christmas night & I will reiterate the fact that they know how to party. They introduced me to the Blatz bottle scene & we just rolled it all night. When I 1^st walked into the door, we ran into the kids that we partied with Thanksgiving weekend. They ask to play Circle of Death, oops. If you didn’t know, J has maybe the hottest cousins I have ever seen so that is just another added bonus. I was named an official Schwoobooghaard this night, an honor I will always treasure. You would think this would be the one night I wouldn’t try cleaning shit up drunk. Wrong, when we got back to J’s, I did the dishes. What is up with that?

We partied New Years but things really cranked up January 1^st for Chris’ B-day. His parents rolled out the red carpet & got a party bus to roll around GB. We had just had a solid ice storm so we didn’t exactly have ideal conditions to be walking around. After a few bars, we made our way back to the Valley & made one last stop where we ran into EJ. That was tight until they decided to offer dollar shots of Yager. Mike had $20 worth lined along the bar & I had way too many considering I was loaded rolling into the place. After a few more beyond Michael’s, I don’t really remember much. I know I fell on the ice leaving, I had the bruise to prove it. I know I threw up on Chris’ front step, Cole assured me that I used his shows to do it. I also know I hit on Chris’ mom, it was sarcastic but I think Chris thought I could really close it. J What a way to start the New Year.

Closing

This was one of those years that helps define who you are as a person. I went from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs & learned too many lessons to list. This year will definitely not define me but so many experiences will guide me in the future. God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes he sends you out on path a path to unknown lands & sometimes he sends you right back to where you started. Wherever this year ends up guiding me to, it was one hell of a ride. Garth Brooks summed it up best with “& now I'm glad I didn't know/ The way it all would end the way it all would go/ Our lives are better left to chance/ I could have missed the pain/ But I'd of had to miss the dance.

Posted by D. Schwa at 1:10 AM | Permalink | Comments

Posted by D. Schwa at 1:10 AM | Permalink | Comments

Intro

2004 took a definite turn after this point in the year. J, Cole, & I all broke up with girlfriends & we were all determined to party any problems away, mission accomplished. I think I drank more this summer than I have my entire life. I don’t know if we could have kept up the pace we had going if school hadn’t start but I sure would have liked to try. I will also say that although it sounds as if I am bragging about our newly found drinking prow ness throughout here, but that is really not the case. Yes, we did kick a ton of ass all summer but there was no drunk driving & I never missed a day of work. It would be the ultimate understatement to say I am a little high strung at times. I think what I found in drinking is a time where I can forget everything in my life & just BS & let loose. It is weird because before this summer, I had panic attacks constantly. Literally every time I went out in public I had one. Once I started partying hard this summer, it all went away for some reason. I went from having them daily to simply not having them at all. This kind of explains why I went from being someone that hid in the corner at parties to someone that genuinely enjoys meeting new people. I think it showed in my demeanor.

June

Boring story but but something exciting for me, I finally finished painting my room & putting new carpet in. Before this my room was a hot shade of pink…lol. I refused to bring any girlfriend over to see it. It is funny that I finished it after I become single. I am going to have to put pics of my room up just to show how great of a job I did. I took a ton of inspiration from Bob Vila & Norm Abrams. This project was seriously in motion since before I originally starting working in Kaukauna. I had some free time & just finished it all finally.

Country USA absolutely rocked this year (June 24th-27th). I went every day with my sister sprinkling a little Jaren in there for a couple days. A few of my favorite country stars rolled out, most notably Rascal Flatts, Keith Urban, Montgomery Gentry & Chris Cagle. I tried to pay a little more attention to the bands off the main stage & under the tents this year & found some sweet new local groups. Chasin’ Mason is absolutely the best live cover band I have ever heard. They hit every note of every song & their lead singer was able to adapt to every song they performed. They played the new stuff & some oldies & impressed the crap out of me. I also got hooked on a band from Oshkosh called Andy’s Automatics. Their material was all original & they were all rockabilly. I still roll to their single Cry For Me. I skipped seeing Alan Jackson the last night because of rain but did get to see both Keith Urban & Rascal Flatts in the rain. Before Rascal Flatts, tornadoes rolled through the Fox Valley as CUSA organizers asked us to seek refuge under tents. I have never felt so safe.

July

For the 4th weekend I rolled with Jaren to his family get together in Tomahawk. If you didn’t know, the Boogaard’s know how to party. We got there at 1 in the morning & drank until dawn. You can see the pics of us at dawn in the 4thof July album. I learned a valuable lesson this weekend. Don’t attempt to make brats over a fire at 4 in the morning drunk. Some how we did manage to eat ½ raw brats but that taste still sticks in my mouth. The next day we went on this rope swing that soared out over a river at least 30 feet up. Very hardcore & it was awesome.

On the actual Sunday the 4th I rolled with my sister to see Tim McGraw at Summerfest. That performance absolutely rocked although I say that every time I see him though. Summerfest kicks ass, that’s all I am going to say on that.

Right about here is where we all really started partying hard. It seemed like every other night we were drinking at someone’s place.

Next up on the docket was J’s cabin in the middle of July. I will never forget this shindig as long as I live. This will be a short description because I feel 5 Blogs could be dedicated to it. Between J acting like a different animal every night of the week to Miah’s wood gathering runs, this was truly a memorable few days. Those 4 days kind of felt like one when I think back. The Final Solution beer bong brought drinking to a whole different level. I never thought I would see beer explode when it hit a man’s face from a second story balcony. Thank God I did not try its wicked power. It would have owned my ass. I also tried blowing up J & that last night by throwing match on the pile as he was pouring gas. Later, as bomb after bomb was thrown in, our circle spread further & further from the fire. OMG that was a blast. My favorite memory was waking up in the morning wondering how all our once good chairs got holes burned in them. There are bigger plans for this year…

This started 15 straight days of me being drunk. Mind you I held a fulltime job at the time. I know a certain friend of mine may have had much longer streaks but coming from the guy who didn’t drink 3 years ago, this was a rather impressive feat. It almost sickens me when I think back to those 2 weeks, holy crap.

The summer wasn’t all partying & drinking for me. I began volunteering at Paul’s Pantry in Green Bay. It is a lot of fun & I recommend it to everyone. You get to meet a lot of people you wouldn’t normally get to meet & get to view a side of the world you usually read about in the newspaper. I really began to appreciate everything God has blessed me with after seeing what I saw there.

August

August 8th was the Brickyard 400 & it was awesome this year. Last year may have been the best race I have seen, this year, historically was pretty special. J rolled down for the weekend & we managed to stay up something like 66 of 72 hours or something like that. It was ridiculous we even tried but I can laugh about it now as we made it home safe with my bro playing the role of relief driver starting in a little town called Kiel. This race also tested my new goal of leaving the excessive emotion out of watching sports. Dale Jr. crashed on the last lap running in the top 5. I didn’t lose my cool, amazingly enough, and still enjoyed the race. If you have never watched a race or Packer game with me, I used to go nuts. Baby steps, baby steps.

Madden 2005 was released this year & like most I went down to pick it up the day it came out. What is weird is that I just never have gotten into the game this year. There are just too many other things you can do than sitting in front of a TV playing Madden. I still love the game but as of a week ago my game count is at 43, if you consider I played well over 700 games the last 2 years this is quite the accomplishment.

Right before the end of the summer the K-town & L-Chute Crews merged to rolled down to Six Flags Great America. This trip rocked. The race down there was awesome. Chris learned city driving D. Schwa style. It’s all about knowing the ends of your car. Once we made it there, (A wrong exit deterred our advance.) we attacked the park. I have never been on so many coasters in one day. Kiel also introduced a few of us to extreme Tea Cups. He is the man to ask if you ever want to throw up on the Cups. From start to finish this was maybe the most fun I has all summer. When you get me in an amusement park, I am a kid in a candy store.

I almost forgot one of the funnier stories of the summer too. So Kantelberg & I are pitted against each other in a carnival game. I had already won him a stuffed animal to bring home to his girlfriend so it was my goal to fully embarrass him. It was just the two of us & we are just about to start when these 2 kids roll up. I inform them they should probably wait until we are done as we will whoop their asses in the game. The kids decide they are up to the challenge & join in. I started out slow but quickly made my move. Coming from last, I took a dramatic victory with a wicked last shot. The whole game I was talking smack but just as I hit the shot to win I began talking mad shit. OK, I was screaming at the top of my lungs a victory celebration that would have been more befitting for a Super Bowl win. This happened just as the rest of our group rejoined us. I don’t think anyone present will ever forget those 5 minutes of jubilant celebration.

Six Flags kind of foreshadowed my last day at Little Chute. I have never put more effort into a task & received so little back. Had I quit at the start of the summer as I had contemplated, I would have never fully appreciated what the experience meant to my life. You often learn your greatest lessons from your biggest failures. In my 3 years at L-Chute, I leaned enough lessons for a lifetime. The number one lesson I learned through the experience is that second chances aren’t always easy to come by & to take advantage of them when they do present themselves. There were a few people that always stuck by me through thick & thin & I will never forget their loyalty. Through the summer, there were also several people that gave me a second chance as I gave them the same. I can’t emphasize how much this meant to me. I may fuck up once but rarely twice. People come & go from your life but our stock crew this summer is a group of individuals I will never forget. Work began to feel like a family during this summer & I, for the 1st time in 2 1/2 years, began to look forward to work. I finally took the time to get to know people & they gave me that same second look. I think we all learned we had far more things in common than we had different. For whatever reason, 15 people with completely different personalities bonded like brothers & sisters. From the full out guerrilla assault on the milk cooler to 3 point shoot outs with damaged dairy, it seemed we found a way to have fun every day. Time will tell what paths we all will take, but for that time we had a blast.

Back to my last day, August 26th, 2004, it was a surreal feeling all day. I didn’t quite know what emotions to feel. I was incredibly happy to turn the page to another chapter in my life, yet at the same time I didn’t want to say goodbye to the fun we had. There couldn’t have been a more perfect ending to my time at that store. Everyone I wanted to see came in that day. As people came & went, I found myself in an unusual predicament, choked up for words. I didn’t really get to say how much each person meant to me, emotion overtook me. The last person I said goodbye to was my buddy Booya. What is funny is I remember dreading her coming home from school & she ended up becoming one of my best friends. Her words meant the world to me. Our friendship is proof to me that even the farthest fetched rift can mend itself. I all will give a second chance.

Hartjes began running readings that night & I just decided to leave. I let myself out & walked to my car. Just before sitting in my car, I turned back to look at the building one more time. I actually began to cry, tears running down my face & everything. I don’t think, until that moment, I had realized just how much that store had changed me as a person. I went from a fairly cocky, carefree person, to completely depressed & bitter , & became an entirely different person in the end. There isn’t a day I don’t think of something from that store. I don’t think of the bad, I always think of it when I need a laugh. I think God presents us with challenges in life to test us. Had I never gone to that dingy little store, I don’t know if I would have ever figured out who I was & what I wanted to do with my, life. Although it took so much from me personally, in retrospect, it gave me so much too.

Well that’s part III of my YIR. I think it is evident in my writing that I began to appreciate life in general a lot more. A couple people told me they were surprised with how sentimental I have been in these. It isn’t really that it is a different side of me, just a side I never really show to those outside those closest to me. Anyway, my 3rd Blog in 4 days! I guess I am making up for my lack over the last few weeks. Until the next…

Posted by D. Schwa at 6:15 AM | Permalink | Comments

Ok, so this isn’t a final installment of the YIR but after my experience tonight I had to write. I will 1st preface this by saying I am not trashing the whole Christian rock scene, this was just a whole different event to us & I had to record my experience. I did genuinely enjoy the event but one cannot enjoy the humor present. The 3 Amigos went to a little concert in Green Bay to see headlining band Skillet who sings hit singles Savior (the song of the summer) & Open Wounds. I should start by saying we discovered about half way through the summer that Skillet was a Christian Rock band in the mold of POD & surprised because they are freaking hard. We don’t really care about religious affiliation, just good music so when we saw the concert advertisement in the paper a couple weeks ago we had to go to the concert.

A few days ago I am sitting at my computer & decided to finally figure out exactly where the concert location was in Green Bay. The place was called Skateside & I checked out their website Skateside.com. I soon learned this would be a full out religious experience as their mission is to provide a safe and positive skating environment for kids of all ages while proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus Christ. OK, so we know this is a full out Christian concert. (In fact, a picture on the website shows a skate ramp with a ‘Jesus Saves!’ spray-painted on.) We were now were forewarned this would be no dredg show & would probably run across something we have never experienced before. I personally had 3 goals, to see no one I knew for fear of being called out at a kiddy skate park, to hear Open Wounds, & to hear Savior.

So we roll up on Skateside & are directed to a parking space.(No charge as compared to $20 last show I went to in Milwaukee, sweet.) We roll into the joint & immediately realize we are about 5-10 years too old for this event as we tower over everyone around us. Another good indicator was the large amount of ping pong tables & arcade game in the lobby. We get into the concert area & continued to tower over everyone around us. I may have introduced myself to the ladies around us but lacking a bag of Blow Pops I decided I would not have an in. Scanning the crowd I quickly failed one of my goals. I not only saw someone from the SNC but it happened to be a smoking hot chick from one of my classes. Never having talked to her I decided I would not further my already tainted image & skipped saying hello.

So the 1st band Kids In The Way start playing at 7 & began to rip it up for a couple songs. They then began to preach, this would become a theme. After the preaching they busted into a song called Halleluiah, definitely a goodie. KIW finished their show after a 5 song set & on came 7th Day Slumber. I think we came to conclusion they, after seeing many live acts, were the single worst live band any of us had seen. I can’t emphasize how bad this show was. We literally stood there laughing the entire time they played. It was that bad. Not only were the singer, lyrics, & music bad, he stopped 3 times to tell stories of him trying to commit suicide & people dying in his life. I hid my box cutter deep in my pocket fearing we would add many more to the death toll in his life. He talked more than they played. The highlight had to be the lead singer calling his band mate out on having never kissed a woman as he was saving it for the woman he marries. Let me be straight here, I can understand waiting until marriage to have sex with someone. I respect it & would even be wiling to wait with the right woman. But come on, not even kissing? I began to feel like I am going to hell sooner than later. As J put it, “I think we are just jockeying for better seats on the plane now dude.” It seemed as though they were trying to relate to the crowd but were rather depressing all of us. I will admit that some in the crowd did seem to be deeply moved by these speeches & I respected that they were able to reach some. We came into this expecting very little & got what we expected. Had this concert happened at the Rave, the crowd would have burned the joint down. Things soon began to improve.

After 7DS stunk up the joint, the announcer (Wearing a ‘I am the Christian the Devil warned you about!’ T.) started tossing stuff into the crowd. 1st up was a CD, then a bible with a carrying case, then the T-shirts. A T came flying our way & I got that determined devilish look on my face. This thing seriously went soaring over our heads. Using a move I learned from MJ, I flew into the air & made my assault on it. With a left handed rip, I tore it from the air. J. Walk has nothing on me. Still reveling in my glory, Skillet took stage. OK, here’s some advice, download Skillet. They absolutely rock. I thought the showed kicked ass although even the lead singer did stop to preach from 10 minutes. They played for an hour & a half & we began to wonder when the two songs we came to hear would play. They were 2 of the last 3 & it was more than worth it. The ‘pit’ exploded. Well, they tried at least. I have never seen 13 year olds push each other harder. My favorite part was J & a security guard jacking these kids next to us. Priceless.

Well, in closure, 2 of 3 goals accomplished. Valuable lessons learned & we ended up chilling in my hood for once. All in all this was another pimp night for the boys. Peace…

Posted by D. Schwa at 3:11 AM | Permalink | Comments

I apologize for the lapse in writing. With the holidays & partying I haven’t made time to write. OK, poor excuse, but that’s my story & I am sticking to it. This Blog will have a fairly different feel than my previous YIR entry. This one focuses on my breakup. I spend an entire Blog on it simply for the fact that it was that big of an event in my life. Although written in first person, the emotions are those just about everyone can identify with & experiences just about everyone lives. I will reiterate that I don’t revise the YIR, so I apologize for any areas of difficult reading or spelling mistakes. This one will definitely skip around ideas, that’s just how my mind works. I like to get out my 1st reaction on events without the opportunity to retract what I wrote down.

The Breakup

I think if you are reading this, you know I went through a breakup this summer that was not the best experience. Three years, weird ending, never really felt like a breakup. We let a lot of stupid little things become one big thing. At the end she did some things I didn’t agree with & in return I said some things I regret saying. There are some rumors that I heard going around that I could address, but it has never really been my policy to address rumors & I am not going to start. Some of that stuff bothers me but I try not to sink to that level. There is obviously a lot more to it, but I’ll leave it at that.

I guess I will start out with what we shared. I went out on my 1st date with her literally the day I broke up with my previous girlfriend. Instead of really dealing with that breakup, I put all my energy into my new relationship. We took things slowly & everything grew around us without much effort. I felt so comfortable in this relationship & I began to hinge a lot of my future in this relationship. There were so many times were I didn’t think there was better feeling in the world than when we were together. A lot of people used to comment to me on her ability to make my mood immediately improve when I saw her & my genuine smile around her. She was the 1st woman I fell in love with & was, in retrospect, the best friend I ever had. The toughest part was that I genuinely loved her, & that’s why everything hurt so bad. Breaking through my exterior is nearly impossible & she is the only person ever to do so completely. If you know anything about me, you know that when I do just about anything, I give it 100%. We put so much into this relationship & worked through so many obstacles early on, I really never thought anything could destroy us. At the time things came apart, we were just coming to a point where we would actually be able to spend time with each other & have a somewhat normal relationship. I was going back to college & would finally have time to enjoy the relationship we had built, instead of the work & school that had dominated everything previous. Instead of enjoying everything we had built, we let a few little problems & situations become one big problem & they infiltrated the heart of our relationship. If you took out a single figure out of the equation, things may have been different, but that is the hindsight that you can’t look at after difficult situations. Like so many difficult situations, what doesn’t kill you, makes you a stronger person. This was definitely one of those situations.

I had a barbeque stain on my white t-shirt
She was killing me in that miniskirt
Skippin' rocks on the river by the railroad tracks
She had a suntan line and red lipstick
I worked so hard for that first kiss
And a heart don't forget something like that
-Tim McGraw-

I think just about anyone that has gone through a breakup from a serious relationship knows what a toll it takes on you. From this situation, there were so many immediate effects that were not good at all. Destroyed would be a great description for my general state. Never could I ever imagine ever feeling more sorrow, anger, confusion, betrayal, love, & hate all mixed together at once again. I lost 20 pounds & looked like a skeleton during this time. Sleep was a complete impossibility. I slept literally two hours a night for an entire month. There was no way I could ever sink any lower than I did that month, thank God. From that low, there can only be highs, & that’s what the rest of the summer was spent doing.

After one of the roughest nights of my life, something clicked in my head. God answered a bunch of my prayers the following week. This is when I finally found God in my life. Sounds corny & probably is to most, but I guess it is one of those things you have to experience to understand. If you had any idea of my faith before this point, you realize the enormous turnaround in my thinking this actually is. Not being a preacher, I don’t intend to force my faith on anyone. I feel like I found something that works for me & has become an inspirational, guiding force in my life. God works in funny ways. I don’t believe in destiny, rather I feel that there are several options laid out in front of us by God, it is up to us to determine the correct path. All the paths lead somewhere; one leads us to true happiness. I think God threw this all this at me for a lot of reasons & I will look back upon this time in my life as a turning point.

After our breakup that I was asked daily, & still get the question, when are you two going to be getting back together, or what would I do if she wanted to get back with me? I then & now still don’t know how to react to a question like that. It was asked so often that I feel that it is something I should write about. Running into your ex is maybe the most uncomfortable thing that can possibly happen. Being friends always leaves the chance of someone getting hurt. Feelings will always be involved from one or both sides & someone could get hurt. That is a risk you take. No one's decisions are ever as clear cut as they may seem, no matter how much they may want you to believe it. It would seem she has made her decision & I have made mine but I was always scared of having that temptation in my life at all. I quit thinking of the could of, should of, would of’s a long time ago & don’t want them to mind again. They hit me hardest when she told me in our last conversation that had I stopped pursuing after we broke up, we would be together. That sat in my head for a couple months & may have been the worst thing someone could have ever told me. Even after the breakup I always had the distinct feeling something would happen again, maybe based purely on that comment but also for the fact I am usually good at anticipating people’s actions. I think this is mainly the reason I resisted any contact from her at all after the breakup. We ran into each other at a party one night, coincidence or not, you know people’s reactions after awhile & after that I knew it wouldn’t be good for us to be friends. I know what I saw in her face & I know what emotions ran through me. Of all the feelings I could have felt, I was scared. That shocked me. Being freinds would be something that would interest me. Pride's a tough pill to swallow, although t'll leave you lonely and cold & bitter.

Losing ain’t the end of the world. When you lose somebody it seems like it but life goes on & you learn from mistakes & you talk about the good times, & that’s what we’ll do.

-Brett Favre-

When I began dating her read an article regarding relationships where one was older than the other. Our age difference concerned me going into things & I searched for a few articles on the subject. One article predicted that the younger person will search to establish them self as an individual over a 6-12 month period, pushing the other person away. I guess that’s why I kind of understand a lot of what happened. It predicted that the person would seek everything opposite from what they previously had trying to branch out. It also predicted they would again seek what they had among a few other things. I guess time has a way of sorting things out like that. What's meant to be will always find a way.

Just like the waves down by the shore,
We're gonna keep on coming back for more.
Cause we don't ever wanna stop.
Out in this brave new world you seek
O'er the valleys and the peaks
And I can see you on the top.
-Tim McGraw-

For the 1st time in 3 years I had no idea what to say to her. That has to be the worst part of a breakup. I value the friendship the most in a relationship. The loss of your best friend just kills. You want to just give them a hug, ask how they’ve been. It’s one of those situations I look back at & know why I didn’t do anything, but still wonder why? I don’t even know if that makes sense, but it does to me. I guess that’s one of the best things I have learned out of this whole thing & some of the best advice I could give anyone. If you can’t look back at the positives of something, don’t loom back at it at all. You only kill yourself over the negative. I got this mostly from J, does dude ever seem to worry about anything or get embarrassed when he screws up. Look back at things & laugh, it is a great gift. As for friendship after love, this is untested territory for me. Is there a day that goes by I don’t think of at least one thing from that relationship that makes me smile? No. From that I think you could start a great friendship. I would love to be friends but, to be honest, I could never make that move. I also don’t think she ever would for the same reason I won’t. Fear.

My old friend, this song's for you
Cause a few simple verses
Was the least that I could do
To tell the world that you were here
Cause the love and the laughter
Will live long, long after
All of the sadness and the tears
We'll meet again, my old friend
-Tim McGraw-

Why haven't I really dated? I have always been really picky with women. I still make the mistakes everyone makes, just not in the quantity & over a longer period of time. This summer I actually went on a couple dates right after the breakup. It was interesting to say the least. I learned that I still have game after a long time in a relationship :sigh of relief….lol: There was this overriding feeling that I would become dependant on someone too quick & I didn’t want that to happen. After a long relationship, there is a tendency to dive into another serious relationship just for support. That would be OK, but then you start settling for less & changing who you are to fit into that relationship. You start compromising this you never would have previously & usually find someone that isn’t exactly your fit just for the sake of having someone. This can work but generally becomes a mess for the fact you just don’t deal with your emotions & push emotions under the table. This is how people get into dangerous relationships because you put yourself at the mercy of the person you are dating. They can sense this weakness & could help heal it but generally exploit it. By the time you realize the situation, it is after the damage has been done. You are generally too scared of not having someone & just keep on accepting less from the relationship & the person. Looking at it that was I gueus it is easy to see why I didn’t jump into a relationship right away. I see what has happened to other people & it is ugly. I guess I boil it down to this saying, Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.

You can't make a heart love somebody,
You can tell it what to do
But it won't listen at all
You can't make a heart love somebody
You can lead a heart to love
But you can't make it fall.
-George Strait-

Last week everyone wondered why I didn’t explode on the Hooters chick that was pissing everyone off. It was there for the taking & I just let the opportunity pass, although everyone was expecting a Chris Morgan repeat. Here’s the reason. After I found out certain information regarding the ending of our relationship I exploded in the worst way I do, in a venomous rant. I said things that, to this day, shame me. The moment I finished, I immediately knew I crossed a line that never should have been crossed. I don't know why I said the things I said. From that day forward I have learned to gauge my anger. It was never a huge problem, just when I lost it, I verbally flew off the hinge. It is almost amazing to look back & see that I could lose control of my emotions quite like that. There are other outlets for shit like that & toward other people is no longer an option.

I attribute my mood swings at the time to something that haunted me for the past three years. Depression is an ugly, ugly plague. With depression, people just don't realize how it can take over your mind. Yes, I was walking around and looked fine, but my head was so fucked up. You become so dependant on the next event in your life or the next thing that is said to you. Even the things you once enjoyed just irritate you. I began to pick everything apart. I couldn’t be happy with just about anything. Nothing was good enough & I picked at every detail in my life. You want to be with those whom you consider better, stronger, more intelligent, more gifted than yourself. This makes you emotionally dependant. Thus others in your life feel unable to fulfill your expectations, causing them to withdraw from you. Looking at that point in my life & now, I almost can’t believe what went through my head. There were so many times were I could have gotten pills that would have at least helped the situation but always thought I could beat it. I did beat it without that help, but destroyed nearly everything I held dear in my life. I would recommend to anyone suffering from prolonged depression to get help. For the first time in what seems forever I am genuinely happy with myself, but it was a rough road to get there. That goes in a long way in affecting my life & permeates every facet of my personality.

Closing

I once heard the difference between a wise man & a fool is that the wise man learns from their own & other’s mistakes & a fool never learns from their mistakes. I guess that what is interesting about this experience in my life. Out of the many reactions I could have had to this event, I found a way to pull the positive out of many aspects & that is something that has never happened in my life. I am quite proud of this. Your most difficult experiences in life often turn out to be your most inspiring, kind of like the rainbow after the rain. The next woman I date will truly be the test as to whether I actually put everything in action. If the past is any indication, I will learn from my mistakes & make the best of the next opportunity that is set upon the road in front of me. I should also mention all the lyrics in here are from songs I listened to during this time. Music is such a great outlet.

The next Blog will chronicle this summer, what any of us remember from it. Until then…

Posted by D. Schwa at 1:49 AM | Permalink | Comments