Fish Takes A Piss
I am going to start this blog earlier in the evening than need be, however it is never a bad idea to insert a Jaren story into anything. Last Saturday evening J, Chris, Ken, & I rolled down to visit everyone over in Point. After our arrival, we played a few card games & worked our way out to a house party. After killing 3 barrels (Bubba & Cole pumped all night, forcing everyone with a crooked hat to turn it straight before cheap beer flowed into their plastic cup…Props guys.) we headed back to the apt.
Before leaving the premises completely, a few of us waited outside for the rest of the group to join us. Among those waiting outside was Drunk Jaren. You ask, “Drunk Jaren?” I have a good buddy named Jaren. After a few beers he becomes a whole new man, Drunk Jaren. JD is belligerent, obnoxious, racist, & generally the opposite of any good you would think of him in his normal state. He is also absolutely hilarious. JD was up to his usual belligerently drunk self outside of the house. As we waited, numerous groups of women in a shapes & sizes entered. As each passed he would scream, “YOU FAT WHORES! YOU WILL ALL FIT IN DOWN THERE, YOU ARE ALL FAT…WHORRRRRRRRRRRES!!!!!” How do you react to that? Luckily they ignored it. Fighting off some Grimace looking woman is never fun. Had a group decided to charge, we probably would have resembled what is left after a 3 year old plays dodge-a-truck on the highway.
After averting disaster, we made our way back to the apt., stopping at a bar for a quick beer. On our way back, Cole, J, & I took a slight detour & JD almost got us killed again. In his drunken rage, he decided to start screaming that all Pointers were “fags” because they went to “fucking gay ass Point.” It was a convincing argument, however most were on the other side of the debate. I am unsure how we didn’t get killed by some frat rat. Possibly it was because after
OK, flash forward, we all order Toppers Pizza & our soon enjoying its incredible tastiness. All of a sudden dude who held the house party shows up with some chick, his buddy, & the last remaining keg (It was a barrel & contained about 3 drinks and had to be a hell of a haul. I guess wasting is wasting but I would have saved it for my cereal in the morning.). Dude sits in front of everyone counting the cash he made that night. He should have had his ass beat & robbed for that but avoided that plight by stealing a roommate’s wallet & buying burgers for the after party (sounds like a great guy.)
Anyway…about an hour passes & he decides he needs to bang the chick he has along. He has his extremely drunk buddy along though. What to do? He chose to leave him passed out on the couch. There is nothing better than waking up in a strange house because your buddy decided to leave you behind. The kid’s name is Fish, & when I say he was drunk, he was freaking drunk. Dude was out stone cold. All of us fell in suite like Christopher Reeves unstrapped from his power cart. Ken & I were the last to succumb to the alcohol. Just as I am falling asleep, Ken hits me on the shoulder & tells me to get up. He pointed across the room at a passed out Fish. I was still a little out of it but I heard the distinct sound of water pouring. A few second later I realized the source.
Fish had pulled his pant down to his ankles, his boxers almost as far, and was pissing all over himself while passed out in the sitting position on the couch. It was nearly unfathomable. Nothing could have prepared me for this. This wasn’t one of those “Chris on a road trip I have to piss every 5 seconds” waterings, it was an “I have been drinking all night & have saved every ounce for this moment” hose downs. It was like watching a kid play with a running lawn mower, you don’t want to watch but somehow you are sickly drawn to it (If you actually have watched this happen to a child, :News Flash: you are going to hell.).
Not knowing what to do (This crap isn’t covered in the Boy Scout Handbook.), Ken & I raced upstairs to wake up anyone that could help us. Soon Bubba was on the scene. He tried waking Fish as he was still naked holding his crank proudly. “Dude, you pissed all over my damn couch!” Fish responded, “Fuck you! I did not!” After a few more words he was passed out cold again on the floor.
His buddy was awaken & told to get his ass back over. He shows up & tells Fish he is sleeping over at his chick’s house. WTF? Dude just pissed all over self…Get his ass home…I can name one move that would never fly with my girlfriend, taking my piss covered drunk ass friend over to her apt. That is almost as bad a screwing a chick on your buddies futon, classless bastards.
By this time nearly the whole house was awake & cleanup began. Roommate Becky led the charge & the guys mostly looked on in amusement & horror, retelling the story to each person that awoke & worked their way into the living room. The damage, he soaked all the way through an entire couch cushion into the couch while soaking himself in a bath of piss. It reeked & probably will forever. Throw away the couch guys. Goodwill may have raised prices, still spring the additional $15 & get a new sofa.
I have to thank a lot of people through all this. 1st of all I thank Fish for finally proving to all of us someone can get more drunk than Jaren. I honestly didn’t think it was possible. Every time I have said “We can get drunker than this” over the years, I didn’t think someone could get that drunk. I would actually like to thank Fish a 2nd time. I now know what is meant by “Drinking like a Fish.” I have been using the term incorrectly forever. It used to be reserved for suicidal drunk best friends who sit at home & drink alone & end up sleeping with your girlfriend, now it is reserved for college kids who get so drunk they have no orientation & piss on a friend’s couch. Who knows? I may still have used it wrong. Fish maybe actually thought he was a fish, they piss in the water. I don’t know or really care to. Additionally, I would like to thank everyone for hosting us. It was a great time & we genuinely appreciate your hospitality. Finally, I have to thank Ken Harris. I haven’t known him long, however Ken respects me enough to wake me up 1st when he sees a stranger pissing couch. This could be the start of something good.
Check back soon, I’ll have serious work up soon. Until then…
