These Are the Days: Jack Bauer

I put off the party plan tonight to study a little. T-minus 1 day & two exams & spring break begins. I cannot wait! So what to write about…I dropped a Chuck Norris Blog a couple weeks ago. As funny as the Chuck Norris lines are, Jack Bauer ones are way hotter. You ask who Jack Bauer is. He is the lead character on America’s best TV show, 24. He is an agent for CTU (Counter Terrorism Unit) and kills and maims everyone in his path. We have seen him save America 4 times, kill a ton of people, and be all around bad ass. Just last week he shot a terrorists wife in the leg to get information out of her husband. It was freaking incredible. Anyway… Screw Chuck Norris…Here are the Jack Bauer lines… (Thanks to Chris for the hook up.)

When in Jack Bauer's presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.
Jack Bauer can squeeze through spaces that would make a spider claustrophobic.
Tired of the incessant whining and complaining, Jack Bauer found the dogs and let them right back in.
Jack Bauer's saliva is bullet-proof.
After receiving repeated roundhouse kicks to the head from Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer was heard to ask, "Can you go a bit lower? I was crammed in an air conditioning duct between 7:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. and my back is killing me."
Jack Bauer can eat five times his body weight in terrorists.
Concerned that his dog would break under interrogation, Jack Bauer snapped his neck and turned him into the bag which he still carries to this day.
Jack Bauer has the ability to smell sounds.
Ancient peoples sacrificed virgins to Jack Bauer in anticipation of his birth.
The only thing elephants used to fear was mice. Until they hurt one of Jack Bauer's friends.
If Jack Bauer crawls out of an air-conditioning duct and sees his shadow, it means that there will be 24 more hours of terrorists getting s***-hammered.
Jack Bauer's nickname for Chuck Norris is "Aloysius Q. Vagina-Muffin".
Under intense interrogation by Jack Bauer, the fifth dentist cracked and admitted he recommends Trident for his patients who chew gum.
Jack Bauer actually wrote an episode of Three's Company in which there was no misunderstanding in the plot.
On Jack Bauer's say-so, the film Gigli would cease sucking.
Jack Bauer helped U-2 find what they were looking for.
Coffee cannot start it's day without being drunk by Jack Bauer.
GI Joe plays with a Jack Bauer action figure.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.
Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

Too many? I don’t care, I love Jack Bauer…you should too.

Thanks to http://www.jackbauerfacts.net/ & http://teachertori.blogspot.com/2006/02/jack-bauer-is-god.html for the lists...

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Hits 2: Reflected
By Tim McGraw
“When The Stars Go Blue”
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