These Are the Days

If you like Back to the Future, you'll find this entertaining.

Posted by D. Schwa at 12:20 AM | Permalink | Comments

This was truly a great Christmas. I am not a fan of getting gifts, however I really get into the giving spirit of the holiday. It is great seeing friends & family, throwing back some drink, & laughing.

For the New Year I am going to change the format of my blog. Like everyone else, I get linked 20 vids or pics a day. I am going to drop a favorite or 2 every couple days & sprinkle in some of my commentary.

Tonight I went out to the local picture show to catch Night At the Museum. Bottom line, it is a great movie. Here is a fun little clip.

Posted by D. Schwa at 1:36 AM | Permalink | Comments

Saying the Miss America Pageant has lost its luster over the past decade or so is like saying Elton John left any doubt as to his sexual orientation. Outside of 70 year old men facing a sex life with Mr. Snuffleupagus & 15 year old boys with their mom’s Victoria Secret catalog in hand, no one watched the event anymore. It even lost its TV rights & was jettisoned from Atlantic City. Insert Donald Trump. Other than that dead ferret he replaced his hair with, the man is the epitome of the American Dream. With his support, the Pageant secured TV rights with NBC & moved to Sin City. I still wasn’t watching & neither was most of America outside the above mentioned demographic.

Now, why did America stop watching the event. Well 1^st, it is the same reason the ugliest contestant wins American Idol every year. Every fat ass in America is planted on their Lazy Boy jamming down their deep friend meal. You don’t become 400 pounds (As your average Wisconsin adult weighs.) hitting the gym & eating healthy. Likewise, you aren’t in shape after a life of racing home & catching dinner at KFC so you can spend the rest of your evening sitting in front of the tube living your life vicariously through the cast of the OC. Coincidently, these same people likely make up 90% of Match.com’s dating pool & are the main reason a ridiculous endeavor such as the Home Shopping Network is on TV. If you look like that fat slimy thing from the Stars Wars movies, chances are you don’t want to watch a bunch of anorexic dogs prance around on stage for 3 hours, reminding yourself you would have committed suicide had you been able to find rope strong enough to hang a Mack Truck.

Secondly, they were a bunch of anorexic dogs. Don’t get me wrong, there were always a handful of 10’s, but the vast majority went on to fantastic acting careers on Fraggle rock. Oh you didn’t know, Red was once Miss America, look it up. It wasn’t a bad career either, if I could find work on TV as a freaking trash heap I would be there in a second. In any event, it was always about the 35^th best looking chick from Alabama that ended up winning. It would be down to the final 2 & the result was always the same, awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwe, WTF! Bottom line, it was unwatchable unless your prerequisite for dating is that the ‘woman’ has a pulse & a bulge in ‘her’ pants.

As mentioned, I hadn’t watched the 2006 Trump Edition, it didn’t interest me. That was until I saw the headline Report: Miss USA Tara Conner Will Be Dethroned. Ok, I lied. It wasn’t so much the headline that attracted me as it was the picture that accompanied it. She was actually smoking hot, no doubt the product of anorexia &/or heroin use. The dedication is remarkable. After reading on, there were further surprises.

Miss America, Tara Conner, is from Kentucky. Yea, I didn’t stutter, KENTUCKY. Unless she is a transplant, there is no way. If she is a transplant, wouldn’t that be like Ahman Green taking gold in the Special Olympics 100 meter dash? Come on. If she actually was born & raised in Kentucky, what were the chances of her turning out so right? It is a freaking miracle. What do you think she wore for the swim wear portion of the show, cut off overalls? Did she swig moonshine for the talent portion? However she won state, she was legitimately hot. Trump’s judges actually got it right. Apparently good things can come from cousins screwing. The odds of it turning out right are astronomical. They have to be about the same as finding someone with a full compliment of teeth in Kentucky. I was just thrilled a deserving contestant finally won.

So why are they trying to yank the title? Apparently she has been partying too much at NYC clubs. Do I need to go back to the fact she is FROM KENTUCKY. Let the woman live. Before this great title was bestowed on her, the best club she saw was a rotting barn that reeked of BO & chewing tobacco with a moonshine still in the back room. Give her a break. Apparently due to the partying, she has missed several promotional appearances. I thought all you had to do was lay on your back & get split like cord wood to keep the title. What is the big deal? Corky at the Children’s Hospital can take the same Blow Pop from a homeless man you paid $5 to make the appearance. He could buy heroin…errrrr….a sandwich & Tara can wake up hung over a few hours later with a funny rash her hair stuck to the pillow case. It is a fair trade off.

I guess what I am saying is don’t dethrone Miss America. I’ll leave you with some solid advice.

When boarding a bus, say “hello” to the driver. When getting off, remember to mutter, “loser.”

Currently Playing…
What the Hell Happened to Me?
By Adam Sandler

“The Chanukah Song”

Posted by D. Schwa at 1:01 AM | Permalink | Comments

Ok, so I haven’t written in forever. I avoid the good stories from ed classes leaving me short of any single funny thing to write about. I’ll give creepy people a shot. They are an easy target but I need to start somewhere.

Flashback to last week: I went out to the local improve comedy show with Mandy to indulge in some laughter outside simply looking in the mirror at myself. After we arrived, we got some beverages, alcoholic in nature & began laughing our asses off. We were even asked to be judges for a few of the improve competitions. After an hour or so of comedic action, it was halftime.

If you have ever seen me drink, you understand the need for halftime at something like this. After a few beers, I had had to pee so bad my back teeth were floating. The second the comedians left the stage I made a break for the bathroom. It was one of those NFL Films greatest runs highlight films. Had I not been skinny & pasty, I would have looked like Barry Sanders headed to the goal line. I threw in a few jukes, spin moves, & head fakes, finishing the drive off with a dive into the bathroom.

My hustle & sheer athletic ability got me the bathroom 1^st among the 10 or so guys vying for position. I stopped on a dime, unzipped my pants quicker than a 17 year old on prom night, & took a deep breath. Just as I was about to uncork the tub, I hear, “Quite the show, we really need this break!”

Was this happening? There are a few rules to using a men’s bathroom. #2 is take the furthest possible urinal from anyone in the place. The undisputed #1 golden rule is you never, I mean NEVER speak to another man taking a piss. I literally froze like a deer in the headlights.

I am one of those guys that cannot piss under pressure. My penis becomes the Hoover Dam. I don’t care how much fluid is backed up in me, I am done under any sort of pressure. The guy continued, “What did you think of the performance?”

As I am locked on the poster in front of me, the guy broke cardinal rule #3. He looked over in convo. I was staring straight ahead & was able to see this guy peering over that stupid aluminum walls. Here is though, how about we raise those walls to the freaking ceiling so I don’t have to fend off this guy. In any event, he began to literally lean over the stall.

This man was substantially older than me. I have never looked at so longingly since I had my 1^st communion dinner with all the other 8 year olds at the rectory. I don’t know what the hell this guy was trying to pull. He wasn’t getting me into his van with a dumb dumb sucker (Maybe a Blow Pop.) much less he creepy advance.

At this point my bladder hurts, actually aches. I still couldn’t squeeze out a drop due to this bastard. Him leaning over for a peek at little Schwa was the closing deal. I zipped up & ran out of the bathroom. The wait was then on. I had to wait for literally 10 guys to use the bathroom before my chance came again. The wit in the lobby was horrible. I was almost in tears as I plotted the various ways I was going to gut this bastard.

Finally, the last of those in line cleared out of the way & I made my assault. I sprinted to the bathroom & had Mandy watch the door for me. Victory was mine.

Moral of the story, the next guy that starts convo & takes a peek at my cock is taking a soap dispenser off the dome & a ball point pen to the temple.

Peace.

Currently Playing…
The Lost Christmas Eve
By Trans-Siberian Orchestra
“Wish Liszt (Toy Shop Madness)"

Posted by D. Schwa at 11:34 PM | Permalink | Comments