These Are the Days

Working at a grocery store obviously has its pluses & minuses. One aspect that entails both is shoplifters. Anyone who has caught a shoplifter knows what a high it is. I seriously think I stayed off cocaine knowing it couldn’t match the high. Over the years, I have no idea how many I have caught, but it is awesome every time…well almost.

Recently I have been on a hot streak. Thursday I caught some dude trying to steal a razor. It was an easy catch, the dude was an idiot. After I confronted him, he took off his sandals in the middle of the road & began running. Normally I would have panicked a little, you know, the game eluding the hunter. This wasn’t the case this time. The dude’s buddy stayed around until the police got there, oops. Also, J’s bro Eric happened to be in his car at the time & followed him home. He leap frogged a couple blocks, waited for the guy to pass, then leaped 2 more blocks. Eric said the guy passed him about 8 times & never got wise to what was going on. When given this info, the cop kind of laughed & went off to give the guy his ticket.

My next shift, closing Sunday night, I had a pretty uncomfortable situation. There is this chick we have seen acting suspicious for months. We have nearly caught her stealing several times, & have made it very obvious we were watching what she was doing. She didn’t get the clue. Well me, riding on the high of the last bust, saw her walk in the door & immediately put on surveillance. She went right to work being suspicious.

She was looking over our magazine rack & looking around everywhere. I mean, she couldn’t have been more obvious. I went stealth into position & she took off out of the store with a few magazines in her hands.

I raced down the stairs & caught up with her in the lot. Went I asked her to come back in, she said she was headed out there to get her pocket book (Considering she was holding her purse, I didn’t quite buy it.). She took a seat in the office & I called the cops.

Calling the cops alone was a mess. My office person waited on the phone 10 minutes to get anyone & it was 10 more minutes until an officer got out to the store. This is in freaking Kaukauna, Wisconsin. Its not like K-town is New York & someone is getting shot every 5 seconds. Did someone drop off a box of Krispy Kremes? Where the cops sitting at a bar & had to play of 15-round game of rock, paper, scissors to see who would deal with it? All these guys have to do is usher a few drunks home & be pricks (the latter they do very well.).

Anyway, the cop got there, I give him the rundown, & he gets the info (Turns out dude is Jaren’s neighbor, Officer Bob, K-town’s finest.). Turns out she is 20 &, of all things, attends St. Norbert College. Genius, you go to a school that costs $30,000 a year & you are stealing a crappy issue of In Touch. I mean she was literally wearing Abercrombie everything, & stealing $10 worth of gossip crap. Why not just sit there & read it like every other fucking dirtball from K-Town. Literally, we already have considered handing out library cards, so why not take advantage of a good thing? What, the brand new car mommy & daddy just bought you wasn’t good enough? If you are going to Norbert’s, chances are that you aren’t hurting too bad financially.

I guess the question that really needed to be answered was ‘What is a 20 year old doing shoplifting, & shoplifting magazines?’ Really, what? Every kid has gunned something into their pocket, but at 20? Grow the fuck up.

What’s more funny is that once I got home, I looked her up on Facebook & she was there. Her hobbies? Magazines….figuring in the $300 fine I guess that’s an expensive hobby.

But really, I rail these people for stealing shit when all reality it provides me with so much enjoyment. The feeling may be better than a good reach around by Cole. The only way it could be any better is if they gave me a WWF laser light show entrance every time I nailed one of the bastards. Other night managers have their own rituals. I have heard of putting notches on name tags, taking ridiculous pics with the loot, or even berating the idiot for even taking the shit. That isn’t my style. I just start yelling & shit. Honestly, I do. I put my arms in the air & draw as much attention to myself as I can. Then I make a few rounds around the store to let all the sub departments know that I got someone. Usually they don’t share in my exuberance but I’ll keep doing it. I just wish the police gave me more time to work on my statement though. (BTW, if you are looking for the case, it is #05007136. Someone in the criminal justice program can probably direct you to the appropriate site.) I could create a masterpiece then, take the time to look up big words & stuff like that

Anyway... the bulk majority of this blog was written 2 weeks ago. I decided to finish it when I nailed another bastard today! I am on an unparalleled hot streak. Today I nailed some kid named James Best. He was one of the wanna be a thug kids so I took particular delight apprehending him as he jammed a bag of Twizzlers into his pants…smooth…. & Twizzlers? Wanna be a thug left the store crying like a baby. It was hilarious… I am not quite sure that’s what Lil’ Troy meant when he said “Wanna be a -- baller, shot caller? Just a thought….

Taking a bite out of crime…-Dustin “McGruff” Schwartz-

Posted by D. Schwa on Monday, September 12, 2005 at 1:12 AM | Permalink