You Take the Blood Right Out of Me
This past Friday I decided to try something a little new & rolled down to BioLife to donate some plasma. A fellow ed student had recommended giving it a try so I caved to peer pressure. So….
When you set up an appointment they make it very clear that you need picture ID & multiple forms of it. I am rolling through the questionnaire they give you at the front desk & a gangsta rolls up to the lady next to me. When I say gangsta, I mean gangsta. I have to describe guy. You know those Homies action figures? He should have his own figurine. It is almost like his dad’s sperm saw one 7 thought, “that’s what I need to look like!” He had it all from the dew rag capped with a ridiculous lid to the jeans around his ankles that were screaming for a belt & an 8xl T that looked like a freaking robe. I make my disdain for gangstas very clear & this guy stood for every stereotype I could think of right down to his ho’s (His words, not mine) name tattooed on his neck. He was with a buddy & they are determined to earn some cash. The following conversation actually occurred.
Nurse: Didn’t they tell you that you needed ID?
Gangsta: Yea but I ain’t gots none.
Nurse: Well you absolutely need it. You don’t have any ID? Not even mail with your name on it?!?
Gangsta: No, I ain’t got no address.
Nurse: No address?
Gangsta: No
Nurse: & no ID?
Gangsta: Well I gots 1 form of picture ID.
Nurse: Well what is that? Let me see it.
Gangsta: I gots my prison ID!
Nurse: Oooooooo, :now about as uncomfortable as I have ever seen anyone: how long ago did you get out?
Gangsta: 2 days ago!
Nurse: Okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk….. :even more uncomfortable:
Gangsta: I needs some cash. So does my boy! Just let me get my cash!
Now I looked up at the nurse helping me & I have no idea how either of us kept it together. I’ll leave the prison sex or dropping the soap jokes on the table & move on. Thankfully gangsta nation hit the turn styles soon after.
Soon I was sitting in this couch like deal waiting to have a needle put in my arm. My nurse was an older lady named Diane. I proceeded to crack the oldies music blaring up in my ear hole that she had obviously been enjoying. She then reminded me that she would be the one putting a needle in my arm. I liked her immediately.
After getting set up, I began to people watch. The guy next to me wouldn’t shut the hell up & wanted to talk to me about his cat. I said I am allergic to cats & have a profound dislike of them. He kept talking about his cat. I acted like I was reading the paper & he shut up…thank God, I could now take in BioLife alid back with my bucket of popcorn.
In all reality, BioLife is the Wal-Mart of sucking blood. There are something like 50 stations & nurses running back & forth to hook up & disconnect people at a dizzying pace. Thankfully most of the nurses are young & decent to look at. The customers I can’t say the same for. I know I am not the best looking dude in the world, however I am fairly sure you cannot attach a ‘creepy’ tag to my picture... most of the time.
The guy that knew how to shut up on the other side of me had his own quirks. He was around 40, had skin tight jeans, and wanted looked like one of those guys that sells ice cream out the back of a truck. As part of the process, you flex your hand to you’re your circulation moving. Dude looked like he was seizing. I seriously almost called over a nurse because he was shaking so violently. Turns out this was part of his process of getting circulation moving. Too be honest, I think he should have dropped acid.
Just before I left, a true gem of a man came in. you those guys that you know molest children? He was one. You know, the guy that walks with a hunch & looks a little like Quasimodo, huge beer gut, & a bald head. I mean, just watch the 5:00 news, every guy looks like that that is even looking at a woman wrong. I’ll give you a little FYI, if you can ever be accurately compared to a Disney character, life is not good. This guy had creepy on lock down. As he was walking, he had every previously mentioned young nurse in his cross hairs. I almost had to shower even contemplating what might be rattling around in his dome. He ended up taking a bench about 2 or 3 seats down from me. His reading material is what launched guy into the creepy stratosphere.
Every guy reads some sort of stuff/Maxim/Playboy at some point. Some just more than others, ok, some just way more than others. The overriding decorum when reading these is in the privacy of your own home. This guy cracks out the latest SI Swimsuit &, for back up, has a Maxim at his side. Now, I am no expert, but cracking wood while donating plasma puts you on the level of any guy that rolls past the local middle school with a shiny new red Radio Flyer in tow & a handful of suckers in the other hand. OK, maybe not that bad, but close. I am no dating expert, but dragging out the smut rags isn’t exactly a way to lack down the ladies.
So…donate plasma…$60 bones a week for 3 hours of work tops, plus you’ll be able to entertain the kids with story after story. BTW, if you do make that jaunt down to the local Biolife, throw my name on the referral card. I will split it with you. Until next time, stay black…
