Saying the
Miss America Pageant has lost its luster over the past decade or so is like saying Elton John left any doubt as to his sexual orientation.
Outside of 70 year old men facing a sex life with Mr. Snuffleupagus & 15 year old boys with their mom’s Victoria Secret catalog in hand, no one watched the event anymore.
It even lost its TV rights & was jettisoned from
Atlantic City.
Insert Donald Trump.
Other than that dead ferret he replaced his hair with, the man is the epitome of the American Dream.
With his support, the Pageant secured TV rights with NBC & moved to
Sin City.
I still wasn’t watching & neither was most of
America outside the above mentioned demographic.
Now, why did America stop watching the event. Well 1st, it is the same reason the ugliest contestant wins American Idol every year. Every fat ass in America is planted on their Lazy Boy jamming down their deep friend meal. You don’t become 400 pounds (As your average Wisconsin adult weighs.) hitting the gym & eating healthy. Likewise, you aren’t in shape after a life of racing home & catching dinner at KFC so you can spend the rest of your evening sitting in front of the tube living your life vicariously through the cast of the OC. Coincidently, these same people likely make up 90% of Match.com’s dating pool & are the main reason a ridiculous endeavor such as the Home Shopping Network is on TV. If you look like that fat slimy thing from the Stars Wars movies, chances are you don’t want to watch a bunch of anorexic dogs prance around on stage for 3 hours, reminding yourself you would have committed suicide had you been able to find rope strong enough to hang a Mack Truck.
Secondly, they were a bunch of anorexic dogs. Don’t get me wrong, there were always a handful of 10’s, but the vast majority went on to fantastic acting careers on Fraggle rock. Oh you didn’t know, Red was once Miss America, look it up. It wasn’t a bad career either, if I could find work on TV as a freaking trash heap I would be there in a second. In any event, it was always about the 35th best looking chick from Alabama that ended up winning. It would be down to the final 2 & the result was always the same, awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwe, WTF! Bottom line, it was unwatchable unless your prerequisite for dating is that the ‘woman’ has a pulse & a bulge in ‘her’ pants.
As mentioned, I hadn’t watched the 2006 Trump Edition, it didn’t interest me. That was until I saw the headline Report: Miss USA Tara Conner Will Be Dethroned. Ok, I lied. It wasn’t so much the headline that attracted me as it was the picture that accompanied it. She was actually smoking hot, no doubt the product of anorexia &/or heroin use. The dedication is remarkable. After reading on, there were further surprises.
Miss America, Tara Conner, is from Kentucky. Yea, I didn’t stutter, KENTUCKY. Unless she is a transplant, there is no way. If she is a transplant, wouldn’t that be like Ahman Green taking gold in the Special Olympics 100 meter dash? Come on. If she actually was born & raised in Kentucky, what were the chances of her turning out so right? It is a freaking miracle. What do you think she wore for the swim wear portion of the show, cut off overalls? Did she swig moonshine for the talent portion? However she won state, she was legitimately hot. Trump’s judges actually got it right. Apparently good things can come from cousins screwing. The odds of it turning out right are astronomical. They have to be about the same as finding someone with a full compliment of teeth in Kentucky. I was just thrilled a deserving contestant finally won.
So why are they trying to yank the title? Apparently she has been partying too much at NYC clubs. Do I need to go back to the fact she is FROM KENTUCKY. Let the woman live. Before this great title was bestowed on her, the best club she saw was a rotting barn that reeked of BO & chewing tobacco with a moonshine still in the back room. Give her a break. Apparently due to the partying, she has missed several promotional appearances. I thought all you had to do was lay on your back & get split like cord wood to keep the title. What is the big deal? Corky at the Children’s Hospital can take the same Blow Pop from a homeless man you paid $5 to make the appearance. He could buy heroin…errrrr….a sandwich & Tara can wake up hung over a few hours later with a funny rash her hair stuck to the pillow case. It is a fair trade off.
I guess what I am saying is don’t dethrone Miss America. I’ll leave you with some solid advice.
When boarding a bus, say “hello” to the driver. When getting off, remember to mutter, “loser.”
Currently Playing…
What the Hell Happened to Me?
By Adam Sandler
“The Chanukah Song”
