These Are the Days: Fat Bastard

I will start this blog by saying this was the defining moment of me being a badass. After tonight, I get my membership card. My girlfriend will attest to all of this, it all happened.

So Amanda (Link is to her MySpace.) & I are out at the bars in DePere. We love going out in DePere. I always run into a few classmates I know, the people are tolerable, & we always seem to have a great time. After rolling out to a couple bars, the two of us decided to hit one last bar before heading back home. We decided on a biker bar just off the bridge. I am sure you are thinking, Dustin + biker bar = a bad idea. You are right.

So the two of us roll up to the bar, grab a couple Budweiser’s, & decide to grab a table close to the door. After a few minutes of delightful conversation, an enormous man came over to hit on my girlfriend. When I say enormous, I mean dude was Fat Bastard’s twin brother (he really resembled him.), but was literally 6’6”, & around 40 years old.

So how do you handle this? Dating a very attractive woman, you learn to blow this shit off. In fact, just about every time we go out we end up with a creepy story of a guy hitting on her (She describes me as ‘freakishly secure’ in those situations.). It is not a big deal at all, it comes with the territory. Amanda deals with it by being friendly, introducing her boyfriend, & hoping creepy guy disappears. It is usually fairly effective. After about 5-10 minutes of convo, dude realizes he is getting nowhere & starts playing with the jukebox behind us.

This is where I come into the story. You see, I simply tell people what I think & joke at virtually all situations. I am fairly good at reading people & situations, so I tend to not really worry on what is going on around me. I also have another issue, I literally fear nothing. This can be good & bad, it almost got me killed tonight (It really isn’t that I don’t fear anything, it is that I always know things are going to work out.). As soon as the guy left I start making jokes pertaining to him looking like the abominable snowman, how much worse he would smell if he didn’t shower, & his general lack of hygiene. When I realized he was listening in on the convo, I made sure I gave him a healthy wink. I then made it clear to Amanda that had he touched her I would have put the broken end of my Bud bottle through his jugular. I even made sure to give a visual. He took a lot of exception to this.

Dude started screaming at me. “I gots stabbed in prrrrrrison 3 times in the neckckckck! I gots stabbed 3weeeeeeez, times!” I began to laugh, “Oh yea tough guy?” He then began screaming louder how he got stabbed & gave us visuals of where. I laughed louder. “You think you could take me down?!?” I responded, “I do.” This just sent him into a rage.

He proceeded with “I will fucking kill you!” I responded, “Really? O, you’re quite the big guy.” Dude, just kept getting more pissed off. I think he realized I wasn’t going to back down so he began to turn to go back to his bar stool, all while cursing at me. I made sure to drop a, “Go sit on your bar stool tough guy.” At this point Amanda just wanted to finish our beers & go. Of course I had stay. It probably worked out in my favor I didn’t drop, “How was the ass sex in prison?” or “How is the hepatitis B?” That may have pushed him over the edge.

Knowing the guy was staring me down, I made sure to drop some PDA on my g/f as well as re-enacting the beat down I would bestow upon him with my hand gestures. Apparently I am a pretty good actor because he knew exactly what I was saying.

As we finished our beers, we made the decision to take off. I grabbed the empties off the table & put them on the bar & made for the door. Amanda grabbed my sweatshirt & started yelling at me, “Let’s go! Let’s go!”

I looked back to see the huge dirtball screaming at me. In a split decision I reentered the bars & stood with my hands up & flashed a huge smile his way. When he started making his way towards me, Amanda grabbed my sweatshirt & ripped me out of the bar.

It has been a while since I have been involved in anything so this was a lot of fun. The dude could have reached out & killed me, however I was pretty confident in my ability to stab & swing a bar stool. Had he jumped on me, he probably gets off 2 or 3 punches before the rest of the bar jumps on & I am out of trouble. It was really win-win. The only shame was that Miah or my brother were not there. Drunk Miah is “Likes to fight guy.” You know, that guy that will take his friend’s back in anything. My brother just likes to fight. Had either one been there, I would have pushed the guy to swing. That said, my g/f made a good point at the end of everything, “Hun, obviously he was in prison for a reason.” True, but he got shanked 3 times, something reserved for douche bags that molest their nieces & nephews. To hell with him. Anyway…my next blog will be on the recent school shootings, eagerly anticipate.