The Wallet Incident
In my too many years at the Pig, some weird ass shit has happened with respect to customers. The craziest had to be a lady tossing a bottle of wine at me because it was after 9. The most disgusting was a decrepit old coworker telling me about waxing her crotch & wearing thongs. Undoubtedly the creepiest happened a couple months ago.
I am bagging for Rachael (There are worse jobs.), & this old dude comes through the lane. We do the whole paper/plastic deal & Rachel checks him out. She gives the guy his total & he reaches for his wallet. All of a sudden he drops,
“Can you grab my wallet? It’s crossways in my pocket.”
I started to laugh thinking he was kidding. Fucked up little joke but I’ll laugh just to laugh. He asked again.
“Can you grab my wallet for me?”
I started to feel a bit uncomfortable, but laughed again. I only laughed the 1st time to be polite, the 2nd time he better get the damn picture. He then asked for a 3rd time.
“Can you get my wallet for me? It’s stuck.”
This time he thrust his ass into my space & began lifting up his coat. I am not one that deals well with people in my personal space. Don’t touch me. Don’t cough near me. Don’t even think about spitting on me while you are talking. My skin just crawls, absolutely crawls. Take a smelly ass old man & his ass & my senses were immediately overwhelmed. I was horrified, literally horrified. What do you do in this situation? What would have you done? I couldn’t just walk away, could I?
I made a split second decision that I regret to this day. I reached for the fucking wallet, IN HIS BACK POCKET. In one motion I grabbed the wallet & flipped it to him. I have never been raped, I think I know the feeling though. The overwhelming feeling that I needed a shower enveloped me. THAT DID NOT FUCKING HAPPEN! Oh but it did.
Before the wallet hit his hands, I was a good 30 yards away. I looked like a fat kid chasing after an ice cream truck. Speaking of ice cream trucks, is this the new way of getting handsome young bucks? Is offering kids ice cream bars on the way out? Is pulling up along an impressionable young kid on Huffy in your rusty gray van & offering him a Tootsie Pop not working anymore? What happened to going after the grandchildren or nephews & nieces? I don’t care how long grandma hasn’t put out. I don’t care how you get yours. Just stay the fuck away from me!
That day sucked. Moral of the story: An old man asks you to pull his wallet out for him, just run, run, run. This isn’t really a quote but….
What’s the best thing about a 14 year old in the shower?
When she slicks her hair back she looks like a 12 year old.
