Drunk Pick Up Attempt
Undoubtedly one of my personal favorite stories happened a few months ago on
I get to St. Mike’s grab a Bud, & find my buddy who is fucking annihilated. For most this would be a problem, but he is easily the most coordinated drunk I have ever met. Not only is he coordinated, he is also fucking hilarious. Some drunks are stupid funny, he is clever as shit funny.
We are sitting there shooting the shit with a few of his buddies & the bartender comes up in conversation. OK, she was absolutely gorgeous & it was her 1st night on the job. When I say gorgeous, I mean gorgeous. She was smoking hot. Probably 18 or 19, long blonde hair, & these unbelievable green eyes. My buddy drops, “Dude, I gave her my card.”
Let me give you some background here. He was given business cards by his employer & immediately the jokes of using it to pick up a woman began between us. I never thought he was serious, even though he once asked a chick for a rain check on sex & this should have been a red light indicator of his abilities. Seriously, a fucking rain check? Come on dude. (This judgment is coming from a guy who allegedly once promised a chick an orgasm as drunken pick up line. Way smooth on my part, yet very funny in itself.)
So flash forward a few hours later a lot more alcohol consumption. My buddy has passed coordinated drunk & has become wobbly drunk. This is where he was at his best. His running man dance had become the slow motion walk dance & he was getting to the point of complete black out. It was about
“Heather! Heather!”
She is helping another patron but turns around & gives him the 1 sec signal. Eventually she makes her way over & asks what she can get us.
“Heather, this is my friend Dustin, you haven’t met him yet”
We shook hands, but she definitely already knew who I was because I had been tipping well just for the appreciation of her exemplary ass. We shared a little small talk. Was he trying to hook my ass up? I was still pondering this idea when he dropped his bold advance.
“Do you have a boyfriend?!?”
Without a moment of hesitation she responded.
“Yea, sorry”
He pauses for a second as he slowly begins to process this crushing news. You could literally hear the hamster jump on the wheel & slowly begin to turn it. Finally he countered with…
“Details, details…” :long pause: “He doesn’t treat you right, does he?”
At this point I am not sure what was going through her head. I know I was shocked. She kind of shot me a “isn’t he cute smile” &, for a second, I thought he may be getting somewhere with her.
“He treats me fine.”
“Soooooooooo?”
She just kind of stared at him at this point, not sure what to say or do. Really, neither did I. This is an area where I would normally excel, but I was just fucking shocked. Yea, me speechless. How do you respond in a situation like this? Undoubtedly, a chick of this caliber runs into this nearly daily & but she still seemed to be short on a way to get out of this situation. I thank God I was not born a hot chick, just so I would never have to deal with a situation like this. She finally countered with...
“So you need a drink?”
At this point is when the wingman becomes vital. You have to know when the battle is lost & make the move to cut all losses before real damage is done. Unable to walk at this point, I wrapped his arm around my shoulder & slowly slid away from the bar. Our retreat was a good 30 feet back across the bar back to our table. I thanked her for her great service that night (Way smooth on my part, I know.) & weaved our way across a nearly deserted bar by this time.
He, thank God for himself, doesn’t remember a single thing.
Moral of the story, if you want to get in a chicks pants, here is the strategy. You have to play the weasel friend to her. Chicks are gullible & fall for this shit all the time. Lie your way in, telling her everything she wants to hear. "Your boyfriends bad, I would treat you better." Next thing you know, you both are drunk & having sex, just ask any of my exes. Tip to the ladies (ask a guy), yea he is just trying to get in your pants. Sorry to break the news.
Anyway… Peace!
