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st, apologize for how long it has been since I have written anything.
A new wind has caught my sail & sent me a direction I couldn’t have ever imagined.
Life is really good right now & I haven’t had very much time to write.
Many of you probably don’t know I started a new job working for the nation’s leader in video rentals. I had written a blog regarding old people & my new job, however I can’t figure out where I saved it. In any event, I’ll share another story from my job while I search.
Today is Easter, you know, the day 2,000 years ago Jesus arose & became the world’s 1st zombie. Thanks to Jesus for inspiring such classics such as Dawn of the Dead, Land of the Dead, & Shaun of the Dead….& you just thought he was the guy who walked o water & ended up getting nailed to a couple boards. My store was open & I pulled a 12-5 shift.
I assumed because it was a holiday, most would be in a fantastic mood as I was. In addition to an easy job & good co-workers, it was Easter. I couldn’t have been any more wrong. Apparently if you are in a video store on a holiday, it is because you do not have family to spend it with, thus sending you into a terrible mood. It isn’t so much the terrible mood as it is the need to unload it on everyone in your wake that gets me. Literally every customer that crossed our threshold was in a miserable mood.
My 1st customer had fought in the cage matches at the Resch Center the night before & proceeded to tell me all about his loss. He was 6’6”, 300 pounds and his face looked like he had rolled it in barbwire for a few hours. It was literally swollen to the point he looked like a 1st cousin of that giant marshmallow guy from Ghostbusters. At 1st he was pretty cool except for him cursing every other word (& that he told me anything about his life. As anyone who has ever had a retail job will tell you, we do not care about even the most minute factoid regarding your life. Please keep them to yourself.). Then things went bad. He had rented a foreign film & claimed he was unable to read fast enough to keep up with the subtitles. Because he has had his face bashed 5 too many times, he expected a store credit. If we gave store credits to idiots, our company would go bankrupt.
My co-worker will give no one store credits for any reason whatsoever, much less because our customer is a flippin’ retard. After a flat “no,” the guy went ape shit. He began to curse us both out while a couple of little girls looked on with their mom. Out matched physically, I figured my sarcastic wit would probably be met with a lot of fist. I instead simply mentioned he could grab his movies & enjoy them or just get the hell out of our establishment. After gunning a Nick magazine back onto the counter (Free with the Charlotte’s Web tough guy rented.), he made for the door vowing never to return. It is one thing to be pissed, it is a whole different game to curse in front of children. No, noooooooooo please come back, we need your business! Prick.
Next was my absolute favorite customer I have encountered so far. Dude caught my attention as soon as he walked in the door. He looked & talked like Milton from Office Space. Standing 5’ tall & weighing about 250, he more resembled a basketball that a human being. Next thing that caught my eye, he had a coat featuring the Wicca symbol & a priests collar.
Now most Wicca’s are normal individuals that live ordinary lives. This guy was an obvious exception. As he amassed movies from around the store, he picked the goriest, creepiest films you can imagine. (For the record, people that rent horror films are a unique breed in of themselves as I will chronicle in future entries.) My favorite was a film that toted itself as the 1st to use real corpses in the filming. Finally he made his way up to the counter & dropped his selections at my co-worker’s station. He flatly stated, “I am TAX EXEMPT!” Great, can we get your card 1st so we can pull up your account? He didn’t have one, so Patrick spent the next couple minutes signing him up. After this is when our 1st problem arose.
It seems he thought his rentals were actually for sale because we had a sign advertising “3/$9.99.” are you kidding? 1st of all, we are a major video rental store. Why would we ever dedicate our entire store to handing videos away for $3 a pop? Also, the 3/$9.99 vids are mixed in with all the new releases. As much as we would like to confuse the hell out of people, it is not in our best interest. Dude, you are officially an idiot.
After setting him straight, he went over to gander the previously viewed movies for upwards of an hour. After what seemed like forever, he was back up to purchase the titles he pulled. This time I got him, fantastic.
“I am tax exempt!” Great, can I get your store card? He stated that my co-worker still had the card. “Sir, I already handed it back to you.” He fired back, “You didn’t! You are going to use my cards for fraud!”
Ok, if I ever had to use this guy’s ID for anything, I would shoot myself over the mere association. Were you to hand the ID to any law enforcement officer, you would be arrested on the spot for suspicion of touching children. He looks that creepy. Creepy enough to make your want to shower after merely being in his presence.
Can I go back to another point? I can’t figure out why this guy was tax exempt unless he used his “church” as a cover. If you are too cheap to pay 30 cents tax on movies, you are flat a d-bag. I could understand if you were buying a new rig, but movies? Dig in the front seat of your rusty Yugo, pull out a couple dimes & cover it you cheap loser.
After a thorough search of the only 10 feet of counter it could be on, we came up empty. Pat asked the guy 5 times to check his pockets only to have him yell back at us to find it 5 times. Finally I said, “Sir, humor me & look in your pockets.” Guess what, he dipped his hand into his pocket & out came his driver’s license as well as his store card. Obviously looking like an idiot, he didn’t miss a beat. “Can you check out my movies faster, this is taking forever!”
It takes a lot to push me to being pissed, this guy almost caught a reverse kick flip off the counter. The a-hole didn’t even apologize for misplacing it or his abusive language. In a situation such as this, I feel it is important to keep your composure & be the bigger person. This doesn’t mean you can’t push a button or 2. After he paid me for the movies (You can bet I took my merry old time checking out & unlocking them.), I reached out to hand him the bag. Just before it got to his hand I released the bag. The movies hit the counter & he grasped for air. Dude looked like he was going to explode, I was satisfied.
The next customer asked if everyone was an a-hole like that on Easter. I just smiled & gave her a free movie. Be nice to your local loser such as I working the counter at the video store, we may actually come through for you next time you need that “must have” anime flick you are going to bring home to impress the ladies.
I know I can write better than this, a lot better than this, I’ll have to get into my grove again. I feel as though I have lost my sarcastic cynicism that has driven these for the past 3 years, it’ll be back. Worry not. I have an album review of the new Tim McGraw CD that dropped last week (pick it up) & have a serious entry on suicide & how it has affected my life. Have a Hoppy Easter everyone, (Yes, I said that.) & best to you & your families.
The build up is awesome. I sit on the net Iming various people, analyzing every pick. There is a lot of drama, a lot of suprises, & a lot of fun. I suppose the draft is to football fan what Dungeons & Dragons is to computer geek. 
Hopefully we end up with Randy Moss by the end of the day. But here are a few other names I would like to see the Pack o after in the draft. 
The build up is awesome. I sit on the net Iming various people, analyzing every pick. There is a lot of drama, a lot of suprises, & a lot of fun. I suppose the draft is to football fan what Dungeons & Dragons is to computer geek. 
Hopefully we end up with Randy Moss by the end of the day. But here are a few other names I would like to see the Pack o after in the draft. 
