These Are the Days

Class was canceled today so I have a couple extra minutes to talk about my Sunday. I’ll be honest, Sunday was fucking rough. No I wasn’t all bent over the Packer loss like the rest of the city. My problem was a hangover. I know, I know, everyone gets the occasional hangover. This was not one of those everyday hangovers, it was the hangover that makes you rethink ever drinking again. The kind that makes you pray to God for a 2^nd train to hit you & end the misery

The night started late for me as I was the man assigned to close the local grocery store. I met up with Cole & we headed out to the Pit Stop just outside of Kaukauna for Laura’s 21^st. We got there & started hitting it right away.

To be honest, neither one of us was really messed up in the 1^st hour & a half. I was straight enough to help J outside for his fountain display (After which he was assaulted by Chris.). He recovered & was soon dumping pitchers of beer all over people, pool tables, & just about everything in sight. With Chris throwing cups of beer at Jaren, it was a fucking mess. By the end of the night, the floor looked like a slushy winter street. Thank God for hick bars because their asses would have been kicked in DePere.

Outside of a few parties at my house this summer, I haven’t it the bottle hard at all lately. After class I’ll come home & have a couple longnecks & read the paper or do homework but nothing that is going to build endurance. It showed Saturday night. Beer is something I can hit all night long with little effect, I love it. I love beer. Beer, beer, beer. Here it goes down, down into my belly... all night long. It is the freaking shots that kill me. After killing a lot of beer, the guys started offering shots… & who am I to say no (Thanks to Cole, Tim & whoever else bought them, much appreciated.). I was still feeling great as things started to wind up for the night.). Sure I was drunk & work was at 9, but I would recover, I thought. We had an awesome time, met some new people, & as usual, laughed our asses off.

Our ride pulled into the lot & soon late add-ons Jaren &Tim, along with Cole piled into my ride & we took off (I think Chris was the original driver for those 2 but he ended up in bed with Janet….hmmmm….). We dropped off Tim & J at the Boogaard house & took off for DP (Apparently those 2 ended up breaking a lot of shit at J’s after that. I’ll let J update that.). I was hella hammered but still felt great. Cole got dropped off next as I was last on the list to get dropped off.

Things get hazy after this for me. I remember started to feel really sick in the last 5 minutes to my house. Riding in cars is not good for me normally unless I am driving, riding drunk is a really bad idea. Upon arriving at my house, stumbled a few yards short of my back patio & collapsed. This is where I started to boot. Somewhere in there my dogs came out to join me. I love my pooches but they brought no relief.

Well I ended up just passing out right where I fell. The problem was that is was about 40 degrees, pouring rain, & I, by this time, was only a few hours away from my 9 o’clock shift. When my parents left early in the a.m. to work at the Packer game I was helped onto our back swing & a blanket was thrown on me. That really didn’t help much as I was really sleeping well in the lawn & it was till pouring. You would think surviving a night in the freezing cold rain would make your parents proud. It didn’t at all. Never at any point in my life have I shivered that much in my life. I can’t believe I didn’t shatter teeth. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if I had hypothermia. At about 8 I was helped up to my room & I faced with the task of getting ready for work.

This was not easy. I rolled into my room & 1^st things 1^st, fell into my 3 foot mirror & destroyed it. Then I began to peel off my drenched clothes. My brand new Lucky’s & white top were covered in grass stains & filth. My stomach, still, unsettled, found itself inside a basket of dirty clothes in my room. Yea, I know I am not painting a pretty pic here.

Eventually I worked some Pig garb on, worked my way out to my car. You would need a map to follow the trail I took out to my rig. A 10 yard journey turned into an endurance marathon. Eventually I jacked myself into the passenger seat & hung on for the ride. We raced our way to work & as we hit Haas road, I found myself booting out the passenger side door at 50 mph. My parents are going to be so proud of me after reading this, seriously. After parking, my ride ran in for work while I fell asleep. Andy said I could show up at 10 if I needed, I took him up on the offer reclining my seat & counting sheep.

After the quick nap, I made my way into work a full 5 minuets early. :round of applause: Pretty much everyone I talked to was horrified at my appearance. Let me set the scene for you. Everyone knows I am normally at my best whenever I hit work, everything is in place. The contrast Sunday was spectacular. My hair was jelled, over the previous nights. The bags under my eyes starched just below my nose & my face was covered in red dots (I am still unsure what that was about.). I was my clothes were in good shape but I was obviously hurting. Every step was deliberate & careful; I could ill afford to take a tumble. After making it back to the meat dept., Andy’s exact quote was, “Holy shit.” I would now be operating machinery.

Wrapping meat is an awesome job. I love it. You chill, serve up a few marinated chicken breast & fill the case. It sucks hung-over. I concentrated so intently on that fucking wrapping machine I thought my head was going to explode. I was actually super efficient there. It was putting the packages in the case that fucked me up. The contrast between the neon case lights & store light played with me bad, really bad. I took a couple mini breaks here & there staring into boxes & breathing deeply.

It was only a couple hours until the Packer game started & the store was dead. I could now get everything done & did quickly, feeling like I was dragged behind a pickup the whole time. Cole came in at 2:30 & his exact quote was, “Holy shit dude!” I gave him the run down & asked for permission to head for the door. He approved & I hit the clock. It was 4 hours early but I somehow packed all that work into the 4 & a half hours I had been there. I jumped in my car, made it home & slept for the rest of the day. About 10 I finally found my antidote, McDonald’s. You have no idea what a Supersized fry & a 10 piece Chicken McNugget can do for you. One word, delicious!

Anyway…What a day, what a day… Can’t wait for next weekend.

Randy Travis is Wednesday, I'll have something on that....until then...smile.

Posted by D. Schwa at 1:20 AM | Permalink | Comments

My love for Patrick Swayze continues… After several suggestions I rented & burned Roadhouse (Apparently I was the only person on the face of the Earth not to see the movie.). Last night I finally had the time to pop it in & wow, what a movie! It’s a movie about a bouncer cleaning up a hick bar, & if you have ever had a drink in Kaukauna, you know what a mess that can be.

The movie was cool on about 15 different levels. For example: (a) Dude carries around his medical records he gets messed up so much. (b) His buddy in the movie looks exactly like Manny from that crappy MTV show Steve-O had (You know, that other croc hunter guy.).

Anyway…after I watch a movie I like check out a little info on the movie. I am sure I will be the 1^st to announce this to you, Roadhouse II, Last Call will be out in 2006 staring my man Pat Swayze. Its funny because I was thinking the whole time the movie was on how sweet a remake this could have made with Vin Diesel. I guess bringing Pat back for a 2^nd go around makes it even sweeter.

Bottom-line, if you liked Walking Tall (featuring the man, The Rock), you are going to love Roadhouse. Check it out.

On a completely different note, I was checking my site stats last night & it turns out if you enter “Dulce et Decorum Este” in the Yahoo search engine, I am the #2 search result. Quite the honor.

I’ll have a story about my hangover yesterday sometime this week. Until then, I heart you all….

Currently Playing…
Everywhere
By Tim McGraw
"Just To See You Smile"

Posted by D. Schwa at 12:28 PM | Permalink | Comments

This week I decided who the greatest actor in America is. No, it’s not Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, or Vin Diesel. It’s Patrick Swayze. I am serious here & let me give you my reasoning.

I grew up hating the man. Between my mom, sister, & various girlfriends I have been subjected to Dirty Dancing over 1000 times in my life. After the 1^st time I would have rather had my finger nails ripped off. The 500^th I was to the point of diving into a wood chipper. I don’t when it happened, but after much thought & reflection I now get the movie. It just happened gradually. Dare I say I even like it? Look at its ingredients. Hot 80’s chicks in leotards, a literal coat hanger abortion… a classic on its own, & some cool fighting. The greatest line in a movie, ever, is when Pat says, “Nobody puts baby in a corner!” Can’t tell you why, it just is. My last shred of evidence: the final dance scene. Outside of Tom Hanks on the Keyboard in BIG, best ever. I know you were busting a move in your living room just like me as soon as “I….had… the time of my life….” starts bumping. Don’t even lie. The only challenger here for #2 is Stiffler’s gay dance off in American Wedding but that is, well, gay.

As great as Dirty Dancing was, Ghost was 10 times better. I love the movie & still cry when Pat & Whoopie make out. This alone puts my man Pat in great company.

What brings this on you ask. I rented this movie called King Solomon’s Mines staring of all people, Patrick Swayze. He plays Indiana Jones better than Harrison Ford in the flick. Outside of it being a TV mini-series packaged as a movie, (I figured that out 4 hours in.) it is awesome.

So in conclusion, ummmm…. I love Pat. Stay black…

Posted by D. Schwa at 12:45 AM | Permalink | Comments

Today was 9/11, a day that means so much to so many people. That day in the following week or so meant so much to myself & so many people. I, like most people, found a lot of comfort in songs like Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning) or Courtesy Of The Red, White And Blue (The Angry American), but the following 2 images are what I think of when I think of those times.

This is a picture of the Tribute of Light taken on 9/11/2003. The image is amazing.

The 9/11 Memorial in Green Bay is unbelievable. I went there a few weeks ago & was a little overwhelmed. The memorial is breathtaking up close.

Posted by D. Schwa at 2:11 PM | Permalink | Comments

Working at a grocery store obviously has its pluses & minuses. One aspect that entails both is shoplifters. Anyone who has caught a shoplifter knows what a high it is. I seriously think I stayed off cocaine knowing it couldn’t match the high. Over the years, I have no idea how many I have caught, but it is awesome every time…well almost.

Recently I have been on a hot streak. Thursday I caught some dude trying to steal a razor. It was an easy catch, the dude was an idiot. After I confronted him, he took off his sandals in the middle of the road & began running. Normally I would have panicked a little, you know, the game eluding the hunter. This wasn’t the case this time. The dude’s buddy stayed around until the police got there, oops. Also, J’s bro Eric happened to be in his car at the time & followed him home. He leap frogged a couple blocks, waited for the guy to pass, then leaped 2 more blocks. Eric said the guy passed him about 8 times & never got wise to what was going on. When given this info, the cop kind of laughed & went off to give the guy his ticket.

My next shift, closing Sunday night, I had a pretty uncomfortable situation. There is this chick we have seen acting suspicious for months. We have nearly caught her stealing several times, & have made it very obvious we were watching what she was doing. She didn’t get the clue. Well me, riding on the high of the last bust, saw her walk in the door & immediately put on surveillance. She went right to work being suspicious.

She was looking over our magazine rack & looking around everywhere. I mean, she couldn’t have been more obvious. I went stealth into position & she took off out of the store with a few magazines in her hands.

I raced down the stairs & caught up with her in the lot. Went I asked her to come back in, she said she was headed out there to get her pocket book (Considering she was holding her purse, I didn’t quite buy it.). She took a seat in the office & I called the cops.

Calling the cops alone was a mess. My office person waited on the phone 10 minutes to get anyone & it was 10 more minutes until an officer got out to the store. This is in freaking Kaukauna, Wisconsin. Its not like K-town is New York & someone is getting shot every 5 seconds. Did someone drop off a box of Krispy Kremes? Where the cops sitting at a bar & had to play of 15-round game of rock, paper, scissors to see who would deal with it? All these guys have to do is usher a few drunks home & be pricks (the latter they do very well.).

Anyway, the cop got there, I give him the rundown, & he gets the info (Turns out dude is Jaren’s neighbor, Officer Bob, K-town’s finest.). Turns out she is 20 &, of all things, attends St. Norbert College. Genius, you go to a school that costs $30,000 a year & you are stealing a crappy issue of In Touch. I mean she was literally wearing Abercrombie everything, & stealing $10 worth of gossip crap. Why not just sit there & read it like every other fucking dirtball from K-Town. Literally, we already have considered handing out library cards, so why not take advantage of a good thing? What, the brand new car mommy & daddy just bought you wasn’t good enough? If you are going to Norbert’s, chances are that you aren’t hurting too bad financially.

I guess the question that really needed to be answered was ‘What is a 20 year old doing shoplifting, & shoplifting magazines?’ Really, what? Every kid has gunned something into their pocket, but at 20? Grow the fuck up.

What’s more funny is that once I got home, I looked her up on Facebook & she was there. Her hobbies? Magazines….figuring in the $300 fine I guess that’s an expensive hobby.

But really, I rail these people for stealing shit when all reality it provides me with so much enjoyment. The feeling may be better than a good reach around by Cole. The only way it could be any better is if they gave me a WWF laser light show entrance every time I nailed one of the bastards. Other night managers have their own rituals. I have heard of putting notches on name tags, taking ridiculous pics with the loot, or even berating the idiot for even taking the shit. That isn’t my style. I just start yelling & shit. Honestly, I do. I put my arms in the air & draw as much attention to myself as I can. Then I make a few rounds around the store to let all the sub departments know that I got someone. Usually they don’t share in my exuberance but I’ll keep doing it. I just wish the police gave me more time to work on my statement though. (BTW, if you are looking for the case, it is #05007136. Someone in the criminal justice program can probably direct you to the appropriate site.) I could create a masterpiece then, take the time to look up big words & stuff like that

Anyway... the bulk majority of this blog was written 2 weeks ago. I decided to finish it when I nailed another bastard today! I am on an unparalleled hot streak. Today I nailed some kid named James Best. He was one of the wanna be a thug kids so I took particular delight apprehending him as he jammed a bag of Twizzlers into his pants…smooth…. & Twizzlers? Wanna be a thug left the store crying like a baby. It was hilarious… I am not quite sure that’s what Lil’ Troy meant when he said “Wanna be a -- baller, shot caller? Just a thought….

Taking a bite out of crime…-Dustin “McGruff” Schwartz-

Posted by D. Schwa at 1:12 AM | Permalink | Comments